Monday, September 26, 2005

Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher: Built to Last

So Demi and Ashton got hitched, and you've come here to find out Blunderford's take on the marriage's prospects.

I say: these kids have got it. This marrige is going to last.

This ain't no Zellweger-Chesney sham marriage, in which our leading lady zips from that White Stripes guy to the country cheeseball overnight and then cries "fraud" 6 months later when he reveals that he's a country cheeseball who put her under his spell by writing a song about her because everyone knows how a woman falls for a guy who can play a guitar, especially if he writes a song especially for her when he doesn't even know her, which is called a stalker in most jurisdictions but is engagement-worthy in the confines of star-dumb.

Nope, this is something different, not a Punk'd episode in the making as some of you clever types are going to snicker. Demi and Ashton have dated 2 full years -- that's 14 in dog years and 18 in Hollywood years, where most relationships morph into marriage in less time than it takes to say "Dude, where's my car?"

Ashton is going to be about the coolest stepdad in the world, especially for that Rumer, who can show him off to her friends at school as "my hot stepdad" and gain instant popularity, since nobody under 30 knows who her "real dad" is anymore and they were beginning to suspect that her "real mom" wasn't really such a star either until she landed Ashton Kutcher and they all said to themselves "My mom's not married to Ashton Kutcher or even that '70s guy with the big sideburns."

Now I know you're saying "but he's 27 and she's 42." Big fookies, I say. She's still hot and by the time he wakes up and says "Crap, I'm 35 and my wife's 50," his career will be over and she'll still look better than 75% of the 35-year-old chicks out there, just as she looks better than 65% of the 27-year-old chicks out there now.

Of course it's not all about looks. But can anyone doubt that these two have a lot of good conversations, the most important ingredient to a successful relationship? You better believe they do! Kutcher has been watching Demi ever since she was on General Hospital when he was 4, so he knows everything about her, which is her favorite subject anyway. And Demi knows that he's 15 years her junior, so she talks a lot about the White Stripes and Kenny Chesney, who her friend Renee told her are very "now" artists. And, as time goes on, their shared history will give them more to talk about, like who Rumer's prom date might be, and so forth.

I'm excited for them, even though I don't know them, never will, and they couldn't give two dingleberries what I think anyway. I have to go now and see if I can track down Demi's bridal registry. I never know what to buy without it!