Friday, October 07, 2005

He Blinded Me With Science

I used to find science boring in school. Then came fake dog balls:

Gregg Miller mortgaged his home and maxed out his credit cards to mass produce his invention — prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs.
They're called "Neuticles," and he's now sold over 150,000 of them.

This is my favorite paragraph:

What started 10 years ago with an experiment on an unwitting Rottweiler named Max has turned into a thriving mail-order business.
But this sentence isn't far behind:

The silicone implants come in different sizes, shapes, weights and degrees of firmness.
If you'd like to see a diagram of Neuticles, go here.

I'm all for inventions that improve lives, and the dogs may have more of a spring in their step with these nutty nuts, but the inventor himself troubles me.

You'd have to imagine there was a bit of trial and error in figuring out how to make these things work, so no doubt hours upon hours were spent grabbing at the dog's groin, which may have been pleasant for the canine but isn't an image I like to carry in my head.

Second, this is a mail-order business. Do the Neuticles come in a box with a lot of that packing popcorn around them? And one has to presume there are directions to install the Neuticles:

Step One: Grab the dog's penis gently. (NOTE: Dog may bite you, or coo softly.)

Step Two: Make a small incision at base of dog's penis; See Figure 1. (NOTE: Dog WILL bite you.)

Step Three: Push Neuticles up into the cavity you have created, then sew the incision closed with fishing line or whatever else you have lying around.

(NOTE: If you have trouble with these steps, have a trained veterinarian perform this procedure. If you had read the directions first, you would have done this before the dog bit off your left pinkie, but you men are all the same.)