Friday, October 21, 2005

I Don't Care What They Say, My Roids Need to Air Dry

My mother-in-law is such a bitch. Look at her, she wrote to Dear Abby about me, like that's such a great way to keep my marriage harmonius:

DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law insists on walking around naked after his shower. He claims that he's hot and must let his hemorrhoids air-dry. Abby, this man has four children, three of whom are girls ages 9, 7 and 4. My daughter has done everything from plead to scream to get him to stop this habit, yet he still emerges from the bathroom with the announcement, "Turn your heads, girls, I'm naked!"

What more can my daughter do to get him to understand how potentially dangerous this is? -- DISGUSTED IN JAMESON, MO.
I'll tell you what your daughter can do, Esther. She could get a fooking job so I don't have to sit on my ass all day in a cubicle staring at numbers until my eyes are as dry as I think you know what and sifting through 50,000 e-mails from my poophead co-workers who think every joke and tear-jerker life lesson that hits their inbox has to be passed along and making chitchat with my so-called boss who doesn't know his ass from his A: drive.

My roids are killing me -- I didn't say anything when you had your dam liposuction, just pretended like I didn't even notice, made a couple comments like "I like your new hairstyle" when I knew full well you'd had 60 tons of flab sucked out of your hips, belly, and your upper and lower cheeks if you catch my drift -- so keep your trap shut too how bout?.

You know what, "Mom", as you insist I call you as if my own mother doesn't exist? Your daughter hates you and we're working hard to make sure Shanna, Alexandra and Chloe hate you, too, because they couldn't care less if their dad walks around naked because we've made it pretty dam clear to them that this is the way God made us and intended us to look unless it got below 40 degrees.

SO KEEP YOUR NOSE OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS! THAT'S WHY BOB LEFT YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE! NOW YOU'RE ABOUT TO LOSE YOUR DAUGHTERS AND YOUR GRANDDAUGHTERS TOO!