Monday, November 14, 2005

You Won't Be Able to Set My Curfew When You're Dead

Parents, the stakes have been raised!

It used to be that your children would simply hate you throughout their teen years while you struggled to keep them from becoming complete animals and/or mothering/fathering children as a result of having sex in your rumpus room, also known as the humpus room.

It used to be that you fathers scared away particularly skeezy boy suitors through glowering looks and by reducing communication to surly grunts.

Wise up, Mom and Dad! Your old-school parenting style can now get you killed.

Just ask Michael and Cathryn Borden. Well, you can't, actually -- they're dead. Maybe you could ask David Ludwig and Kara Beth Borden instead. Young Kara comes home late at age 14, gets in trouble from Mom and Dad, and her 18-year-old secret boyfriend says, "I'm going to shoot that mother... And that father, too."

So he offs them and takes Kara on a ride that may or may not be forced, to Indiana, where three straight hours of cornfields and cop chases finally ends in the twisted Romeo and Juliet smashing into a tree.

Don't want it to happen to you? Yours truly is here to help, with Blunderford's 7 How-To-Stay-Alive Parenting Commandments:

1. Don't mouth off to your children.

2. Share. Leave your wallet open on the kitchen counter -- this is a family, not a dictatorship!

3. No comments about children's clothing. Exposed vaginas are in this year, so keep your trap shut about it. Maybe your prissy little mini-skirts will come back again, but don't count on it.

4. Pay the kids' cell phone bills promptly. Nothing pisses them off more than their cellie being cut off.

5. Pretend not to notice when you overhear your teen's conversations about threesomes or "friends with benefits."

6. Put in a swimming pool, for God's sake!

7. Be flexible! Add more rules to this list based on your child's individual demands.

@ Psych Central: links to the blogs and Web pages of Ludwig and Borden.