Friday, September 30, 2005

I'm Almost Finished with My Workout, Laura!

"Can you spot me on this last set, Jimmy?"

"Yes, Mr. President."

If You Killed All the Homosexuals...

Former Education Secetary and self-appointed moral stormtrooper Bill Bennett got himself into some hot water by suggesting crime would go down if every black baby was aborted. The White House condemned Bennett's statement, while Bennett defended himself by saying he meant only the nigger babies and not the "good" black babies.

The topic came up due to the book "Freakonomics," in which the author states that the rise in abortions after the Roe v. Wade decision coincided with a steadily lower crime rate, and that the reason may be that the majority of those abortions were had by poor people who would have carried through with their pregnancies in the past. Because poor people are more likely statistically to commit crimes, more aborted babies from poor families means fewer criminals on the streets.

As you might imagine, that stirred some controversy, although the statistical premise is understandable.

And you could say that Bennett's premise is understandable. Black people are the majority of poor people -- abort all blacks and you get rid of the majority of poor people and crime goes down. Of course the racism comes in when Bennett implies that blacks are inherently more criminal, not that they are more likely to commit crimes because statistically more of them are poor. (You may be shocked to hear that I actually give Bennett the benefit of the doubt here; that's probably what he meant.)

Anyway, not one to shy away from controversy, I've come up with a few theories of my own that I'd like the American public to consider:

* If you killed all the homosexuals, we wouldn't be subjected to any more Cher comeback concerts.

* If you killed all men, there would be no more wars. (You might have to take out Michelle Malkin, too, for this to be foolproof.)

* If incest were made legal, there would be a lot more matching organs when people needed transplants.

* If you aborted all the babies in Texas, (fill in the blank, it's fun!).

* If you killed all women, our species would die out completely.

Some of these need work, but my book deal hasn't closed yet, so I have some time to refine.

This hose sucks!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

And In Center Field... Chewbacca!

Johnny Damon and his wife Leia throw out the ceremonial first pitch before the Boston Red Sox - Toronto Blue Jays game last night.

The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy boys loved the satchel but felt the glove should have been studded.

Goodness Gracious, Ghraib Balls of Fire

A judge has ordered the government to fan the flames of anti-Americanism by releasing a sequel to the highly-succesful pictorial series from last year, Abu Ghraib Gone Wild.

This one includes more pictures of the Army thinking up sadistic ways to humiliate prisoners, but, as any sequel should, it offers a twist: video!

Yes, soon we will be able to enjoy moving pictures of Iraqis being sodomized, forced to masturbate, stacked up like hairy naked male cheerleaders, and other wacky antics.

It's said this could be the highest grossing sequel since Faces of Death II.

@ Praxxus: "Everyone already knows the photos exist, which means they already know that U.S. soldiers have done something that is likely worse than what has already been shown from Abu Ghraib. Something so bad that the United States military --the same military that is reluctant to investigate its own "death for porn" scandal-- is scared to have the pictoral evidence of these acts released."

@ Simianbrain: "Government will appeal the order to release Abu Ghraib photos and videos, maybe pushing an explosive torture story to the 2006 campaign. Good thinking, guys."

@ The Next Left: "Somehow I didn't think the damaging-to-America's-image argument was going to fly."

@ Right from Left: "Predictably, U.S. District Judge Alvin K. Hellerstein ruled today that the US must release never before seen Abu Ghraib photographs. Way to go, Hellerstein. You've just handed the enemy a big victory."

Yippee for John Roberts!

John Roberts got confirmed, and, judging by this photo, everyone's REALLY happy about it.

@ Mind of Mog: "Bush couldn’t have picked a more intelligent, level headed choice from what I’ve read and seen of him in the hearings. How will the MSM spin that?"

@ TomFlannery:" Now some guy that nobody really knows a thing about has one of the most important jobs in the country.....and he can hold it until he starts dribbling on himself. Actually, he can hold it after he starts dribbling on himself too." (Good comments on Brit Hume/Tom DeLay interview here, too.)

@ Protein Wisdom: "Among those who voted nay on Roberts are Bayh, Biden, Clinton, Kerry, and Obama—all candidates to pursue higher office, including nearly every ostensible 2008 Democratic Presidential candidate from the Senate (with Joe Lieberman the exception; though, as John Cole points out, he himself has “a better chance of being the ‘08 Democratic nominee than Joe Lieberman")."

@ Packed in Saccharin: "Deeply disappointed."

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Is Anybody Else Cold?

Reconsidering my earlier reservations about watching tennis...

It's My Body and I'll Die If I Want To

The Supreme Court is going to hear this case trying to get rid of assisted suicide in Oregon.

The Bush administration, always promoting the culture of life except for when they get to kill someone who doesn't really want to die, such as those that get sizzled in the electric chair or those Iraqi civilians caught in the crossfire, is using some loophole or another to test the law's legality.

What's the point here? Why are we attempting to force people to live that don't want to? You get no control over how or whether you come in to the world, and then the government tries to tell you when and how you can leave, too.

Dying of cancer? Ride it out, cowboy. Pain making every day a living hell, your only functionality staring at a TV screen while doped out of your mind on morphine? Life is sacred, pal -- you're staying in this mortal coil until God says so, and not a minute before.

Oh, sure, you could skirt the law and take 50 aspirin or slit your wrists. But what if someone gets to you before you die and hauls you to the hospital to get your stomach pumped or those armed bandaged up, acting the Good Samaritan? Then everyone knows you want to kill yourself and they'll be watching over you all the time, forcing you to keep drawing one raspy breath after another. (If you want to die and have a gun, that's pretty foolproof. But you don't want to leave that for your family to clean up, now do you?)

I thought we were a land of freedom. If we're so free, why aren't we free to die?

Mi Familia

I'm sick of getting pushed to the back all the time. "Go to the back, Uncle Blunderford. You're tall!" Bullsheets. You're all embarrassed of me! Well, anyway, that's me back there between Rumer and Ashton.

DeLay Indicted, Eyes Go Googly

"Ah, hell, I knew I could only keep my eyes on so many things at once."

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.


PETA hits a home run; PETA strikes out.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

"Let's Have Some Fun Before That Mean John Roberts Takes Over"

Anna Nicole Smith is still trying to get the money from her old dead husband, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a big fan of her reality show -- and somehow the stars have aligned.

Star Trump: The Next Generation

Procreation could be very, very good, or very, very bad for these two.

And to think that i saw it on mulberry street

Here I am on my way to lay some more carpet for The Man. For once in my miserable life, I got lucky...

Mike Brown Denies Being Head of FEMA

"I have never taken steroids. Period!"

Anytime you see them point that finger at members of Congress, you know they are full of poo-poo.

@ Disenchanted Forest, a reference to Mike Brown saying he can't be a Superman gets this excellent post title: "I'd Settle for Jimmy Olsen."

@ the reid report: "Brown came off in this hearing as arrogant, petty, ill-informed, and well, incompetent; a penny-ante blame shifter if ever there was one. I sure hope he wasn't this careless with the horses..."

@ 8 Pounds: "If the people living in New Orleans all made the kind of salary Brown was making (around $145,000 annually), they could have afforded to leave the city."

Monday, September 26, 2005

Cindy Sheehan Only Wants to Get Her Some Peace

Cindy Sheehan was arrested today in front of the White House. Above is an exclusive photo from the rally.

Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher: Built to Last

So Demi and Ashton got hitched, and you've come here to find out Blunderford's take on the marriage's prospects.

I say: these kids have got it. This marrige is going to last.

This ain't no Zellweger-Chesney sham marriage, in which our leading lady zips from that White Stripes guy to the country cheeseball overnight and then cries "fraud" 6 months later when he reveals that he's a country cheeseball who put her under his spell by writing a song about her because everyone knows how a woman falls for a guy who can play a guitar, especially if he writes a song especially for her when he doesn't even know her, which is called a stalker in most jurisdictions but is engagement-worthy in the confines of star-dumb.

Nope, this is something different, not a Punk'd episode in the making as some of you clever types are going to snicker. Demi and Ashton have dated 2 full years -- that's 14 in dog years and 18 in Hollywood years, where most relationships morph into marriage in less time than it takes to say "Dude, where's my car?"

Ashton is going to be about the coolest stepdad in the world, especially for that Rumer, who can show him off to her friends at school as "my hot stepdad" and gain instant popularity, since nobody under 30 knows who her "real dad" is anymore and they were beginning to suspect that her "real mom" wasn't really such a star either until she landed Ashton Kutcher and they all said to themselves "My mom's not married to Ashton Kutcher or even that '70s guy with the big sideburns."

Now I know you're saying "but he's 27 and she's 42." Big fookies, I say. She's still hot and by the time he wakes up and says "Crap, I'm 35 and my wife's 50," his career will be over and she'll still look better than 75% of the 35-year-old chicks out there, just as she looks better than 65% of the 27-year-old chicks out there now.

Of course it's not all about looks. But can anyone doubt that these two have a lot of good conversations, the most important ingredient to a successful relationship? You better believe they do! Kutcher has been watching Demi ever since she was on General Hospital when he was 4, so he knows everything about her, which is her favorite subject anyway. And Demi knows that he's 15 years her junior, so she talks a lot about the White Stripes and Kenny Chesney, who her friend Renee told her are very "now" artists. And, as time goes on, their shared history will give them more to talk about, like who Rumer's prom date might be, and so forth.

I'm excited for them, even though I don't know them, never will, and they couldn't give two dingleberries what I think anyway. I have to go now and see if I can track down Demi's bridal registry. I never know what to buy without it!

Friday, September 23, 2005

Bush Drinking Again? It Would Be An Improvement.

A lot of talk among those of us who like life in the gutter about whether George Bush is drinking again.

I don't think it's fun to crack wise about alcoholics, so I'll hold back even on President MonkeyBrains.

But it made me think of an old episode of WKRP in Cincinnati in which Dr. Johnny Fever is the test subject for an on-air "say no to alcohol" campaign. Johnny is supposed to drink more and more alcohol and take a driving test I think (might've been some other kind of test) to show how alcohol impairs your motor skills.

Instead, Johnny gets better at the tests with each beer, much to the consternation of the group that is trying to spotlight the dangers of alcohol.

Might Bush be a modern-day Dr. Johnny Fever? Could he be a better president with a shot now and then?

Who wants to pour?

Does This Look Like A Cocaine Addict to You?

Everyone knows that cocaine addicts get extremely skinny and start to look a bit haggard over time. It's been said that sometimes their legs resemble chopsticks. Anyway, it's so '80s. This isn't the St. Elmo's Freaking Fire era, people -- cocaine is O-U-T. None of this describes Kate Moss at all, so I say "Leave her alone!"

@ my amusement park: "I think it would be awesome if one of the companies for which she models said, "Yeah, she does cocaine. Duh. Why do you think she looks like that? It's pretty much an unspoken clause in our contract with her, so we're pleased as can be."

@ Antinemesis, Kate's new client.

@ Choochville: "This industry is so self-loathing. They condemn Kate because she was caught, but it's a widely accepted practice on photo shoots to have coke delivered."

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Can You Freaking Imagine???

So there you are on your Jet Blue flight and the freaking front wheel of the plane is stuck sideways and you are watching it all happen on the little TV on the seat in front of you as it really is happening to you and you are saying, "Holy f------ s---, that is the plane I am in right now and that wheel is totally f----- and I am totally f----- and this is how I am going to spend my last hours on earth, in a JetBlue plane with a bunch of people I don't know waiting to die an agonizing death because there is no f------ way that you can land a motherf------ plane on a wheel like because that wheel's going to dig right into the ground and the whole God---- plane is going to hit that runway and smash into a million pieces and I am going to be one of those pieces and this is the most surreal experience I've ever had in my life and it's unfortunate that my life is about to end and I wonder what's it's like to be dead and pretty soon I'm going to know and I can't f------ believe this is happening. F---!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And then this, and then you freaking make it and you're saying to yourself "I can't f------ believe I'm alive" and you cry and you cry and you cry and you cry.

@ Two Tin Cans, a good question: "Would you have watched?"

@ fishingnotcatching: "Larry King is a complete self-centered moron. Not sure if you caught it, but as the plane was about 10 feet from the ground, he started getting into a slight argument about whether the front landing gear was bent or crooked with some dude on the phone. Here it is, 140 peoples lives hanging in the balance - a remember most of them were watching CNN on the plane because Jet BLue has Direct TV - and here's this a-hole having a semantics debate."

@ JDR 2005 & Beyond: "I wonder if anyone decided to smoke on the flight. I wonder if drinks were suddenly free. I also wonder if some of those folks, not sure of their chances decided to do the mile high hookup. I would have had a drink in one hand, a ciggie in the other and my eye on the prettiest girl on the plane. I’m weak like that."

@ Question Technology, "In the future we'll watch our deaths live on TV!"

@ Cynicor, The Blog: "Everyone who saw that is now thinking, "Damn, I want THAT JETBLUE PILOT on every flight of mine from now on."

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Getting Back to Normal in New Orleans

This is a picture of "Alex" entertaining the Katrina rescue workers down at Deja Vu Showgirls in New Orleans. The French Quarter is alive and well!

Asking Questions Is Now "Stuck on Stupid"

The right-wingers are all zippy today over this Lt. General Honore telling the press they are "stuck on stupid" for asking questions about Hurricane Katrina at a press conference about preparations for Hurricane Rita.

Basically, "stuck on stupid" seems to mean that asking questions about humongous disasters in the past and why the response to them was totally screwed up is completely irrelevant. If you're not looking forward and forgetting the past, you're "stuck on stupid."

It's fitting that the right wing would love this one, because the M.O. of the whole right-wing is "don't look at our history of bad policy, lies and corruption" -- look toward tomorrow when things will undoubtedly be better, wink, wink. To think that maybe the past is predictive of the future is to be "stuck on stupid."

I can just see George Bush using this with reporters...

Reporter: "Mr. President, as you yourself have admitted, Hurricane Katrina exposed the desperate poverty of millions of Americans and our nation's blind eye to their plight. Is it appropriate to cut taxes for chubby pinkish rich people at a time when so many are suffering, especially when the rich have benefited so much from your policies already?"

Bush: "Well, you're stuck on stupid. Like I've said, we're going to help those poor people going forward now that we know they're there."

Reporter: "Are you saying you didn't know the poor people were there and that's why the government has done so little to help them?"

Bush: "Again, you're stuck on stupid. I'm talking about helping those poor people, not dwelling on how they got poor or our ignorance of them in the past. We need to look forward here."

Reporter: "But why should the American people believe that you'll have any interest in poor people when you haven't done anything for them in the past?"

Bush: "Stuck on stupid. I said we're looking forward, not talking about the past. I don't know how to make that any more clear. Next question."

Report #2: "Mr. President, almost 2,000 American soldiers have now died in Iraq with no forseeable end to the conflict. When you look back on your decision to invade and your plans for post-invasion activities, do you think you would do anything differently?"

Bush: "Y'all are so stuck on stupid I'm not even going to continue."

(Bush wanders away shaking his head.)

@ Patriotic Mom: "I knew I loved this man from the second I saw him kicking ass when he first arrived in New Orleans."

@ Pocket Full of Mumbles: "Can you believe the media demanding to know why evacuation preparations for Rita are better than those of Katrina. More race baiting? Or just stupidity? Could it be that it's as simple as America not wanting a repeat of Katrina?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Lookie Here

No Zank You, Dahling: NYT Times Select

The New York Times can kiss my lardy caboose. You think I or anyone else is going to pay $49.95 a year to get access to your Times Select to read your brainless columnists that say the same crap every day?

David Brooks: "College professors are evil and the urban jungle is the liberals' fault."

Maureen Dowd: "George Bush is stupid and evil, and this column willl be another clever way of telling you that."

Paul Krugman: "The latest economic figures prove that Bush has his head up his caboose, and I'm an economist so it means more when I say it."

Nice knowing you, losers. I have a feeling you'll still infiltrate my life through syndication, but you certainly won't get my money. I can get all the same crap from random bloggers or pull it out of my own stinky buns. I'm sure as fook not paying any $$$ for it.

TimesSelect? I'll select somewhere else to read what I already know, thanks so much.

@ HerbEly: "I don't think I'll miss Maureen Dowd."

@ Tim Worstall with today's John Tierney article. We'll see how long the New York Times selects to let bloggers get away with this.

@ MarkMaynard, who obviously has too much time on his hands if he's getting this elaborate to read Krugman: "I don't suppose that anyone would have a problem if I just posted a few paragraphs. I believe that would still fall under "fair use"… OK, so here's an idea. What if several bloggers got together and did the same thing, each posting a small section, so that, when taken together, they formed a complete story? If we each posted a few paragraphs, and if we each linked to the blog containing the sections immediately in front of and behind ours, then it should work, right? And, if done in a organized fashion, it could be almost organic. Someone could take paragrah one, and then immediately someone else could sign up for paragrah two. It would be like BitTorrent, only on a macro scale."

@ This Is Really Happening: "I’d love to link to my boyfriend Nicholad Kristof’s latest piece on Darfur, but the New York Times has introducing their suicidal TimesSelect “feature.” You pay $8 a month or $50 a year for the same editorial content you were used to getting for free online. Great deal, guys! Hey, wanna run that series on class in America again? If you do, only the wealthy will be able to read since it will be subscription-only."

Useless News: Hurricane Names Running Low, Up to $3.69 A Gallon

They're almost out of hurricane names. Seems Hurricane Rita is the 17th name and whatever geeks come up with this stuff only could think of 21 in preparation for the season.

I couldn't really care less, but I'm willing to help out on the brainstorming for additional names:

Hurricane Brownie

Hurricane Please Wash Away Paris Hilton

Tropical Storm Chesney-Zellweger

Hurricane Jennifer Aniston We Don't Care About Your Favorite Food or Whether You're Ready to Date or Much Else About You to Be Quite Honest

Tropical Stormin Norman Schwarzkopf

Hurricane You See My Panty Lines Through These Pants?

Monday, September 19, 2005

Emmy = Booby

I don't like award shows, but I like boobies, so I watch them. Here's a few, for better or for worse:

Paula Abdul

Patricia Arquette

Halle Berry

Jessica Simpson

Kathy Bates

Never said I was picky...

@ Right As Usual, a double shot of Housewives with Marcia Cross and Eva Longoria. No boobies from Cross, though, darn it.

Crash Tests Not Fair, Say Automakers

A new minivan crash test report came out from the Institute of Highway Safety. It said that a lot of the minivans stink.

The vehicle's manufacturer's disputed this, because, as one said:

"Our minivans are safe. These tests use fake dummies; we'll never know how people will fare in a real crash unless we use live volunteers."

@ Snooglepoop, Adam finds the most dangerous SUV ever.

I Swear It's Me Under This Burqa

They're voting in Afghanistan, and although there's some threats here and there, it seems like it's going OK.

I saw a picture today of a long line of burqa-wearing women standing in line. I thought they didn't have to wear those anymore, maybe traditions die hard. How do they know that the person under the burqa is the same person as on the voter registration card? I'm sure they've come up with something, and if haven't, big deal. I hear there are 7000 candidates for various posts and no one knows who anyone is anyway.

Still, it's a real vote, and from here it shows how the Bushies did it right in Afghanistan and got too big for their britches in Iraq. Afghanistan's got the whole "democracy on the march" thing going, while it appears we will have control of Iraq only after we've killed every person living there. When that happens, I might move there and run for mayor or maybe even a higher post. Dare to dream, I say.

@ It Affects You: "W proclaimed the vote as a success and a step forward, commending “the tremendous progress that the Afghan people have made in recent years.” Speculation here is that he won’t be truly satisfied until turnout reaches the 30% threshold, hopefully lower in urban areas. Karl Rove is also surely disappointed that there have as yet been no accusations of election rigging or vote suppression. Clearly, there is still room for improvement in Afghani democracy. The Afghani elections will never truly be up to speed until lawyers and the supreme court are involved."

@ For A Conservative Way of Life: "In spite of the threat of would be murderers most people refer to as terrorists, out of over 5,500 candidates for various offices, only 7 candidates were murdered."

Friday, September 16, 2005

Monkeyhead, God, Lies and Yes, A Good Idea.

I didn't bother to watch the Bush speech last night, but I read what Monkeyhead had to say to pick up the lowlights.

He invoked "a faith in God no storm can take away,", never acknowledging that the storm is one of those things commonly referred to as "an act of God." So it's unclear which side of this issue God is on, but it's probably the opposite of whatever side I'm on.

Bushie didn't bother with a coat and tie, I guess to make us think that he'd been doing some recovery work right before he hopped in front of the camera.

Here's some B.S. for you:

"As all of us saw on television," Bush said, "there is also some deep, persistent poverty in this region as well. That poverty has roots in a history of racial discrimination, which cut off generations from the opportunity of America. We have a duty to confront this poverty with bold action."

I will give my left lung if this president does one fooking thing to confront poverty with bold action. I will run naked through the streets. I will call Rush Limbaugh and beg to give him oral sex.

To make it all happen, Bush is going to spend more on the Katrina zones than has been spent on the whole Iraq war so far. (Too bad we have the Iraq war to pay for at the same time. Where's my tax cut?) As much as I detest President Monkeyhead, I take issue with this next Washington Post paragraph's insinuation:

Even as he embraced a spending program the scale of which few Democratic presidents ever advanced, Bush signaled that he would shape its contours with policy ideas long sought by conservative thinkers. He proposed creation of a "Gulf Opportunity Zone" that would grant new and existing businesses tax breaks, loans and loan guarantees through 2007. And in documents released before the speech, Bush called for displaced families that send children to private schools, including religious ones, to be eligible for federal money.

I'm not one for coddling up to business, but New Orleans is going to need economic activity and if it means taking it easy on their business taxes for a while, I can go with that. And if getting kids to school means paying for them to go to religious schools, so be it. I know we have separation of church and state, but I'd rather get these kids in class than worry about the nuances of what's appropriate under the Constitution. Even a blind Chimpo finds a nut once in a while.

Unfortunately, my feeling is that the current administration, finally losing the free ride they've been enjoying since September 11th, 2001, are just hoping that this all blows over and that people move on with their lives and forget New Orleans ever existed.

As much as I'd like to think people won't forget, I know they will.

@ PowerPundit: "The president was animated and upbeat, projecting the optimism about rebuilding the highly damaged areas that Americans expect from the chief executive at a time like this."

@ spatula city bbs, Lord Spatula is unhappy with John Kerry's response to Bush's speech, at least I think that's what is going on when he says: "Then have a heaping helping of STFU, John-boy Fucking Qetchup-ass, roll up your sleeves and get to work. And don't let T'Raisin get within so much as half a mile of the French Quarter, is that clear? Stupid-assed elitist fuck..." Not sure what that means, but I like the creative language, abbreviations and spelling choices.

@ Conservababes: "President Bush delivered with his speech last night. He took all of the criticisms flung his way and shoved them back down the throats of his attackers. Did he do this with insults and harsh, polarizing rhetoric --a la Democrats towards him of late? (Well, not "of late" --since about 2000, if memory serves.) No. He will never sink to their level."

@ Common Sense: "The job he's done so far in proving he's competent is... less than encouraging."

@ The Mahablog: "So, the Gubmint is about to borrow $200-bleeping-billion for the "reconstruction" (possibly not a good word to use in the South) of the Gulf Coast. And you know that when the dust settles or the water drains, as the case may be, those billions will be in the pockets of Bush cronies and K street lobbyists and the po' folks will be worse off than they were before the hurricane. And you and several generations of your descendents will be stuck paying for it all. God bless America."

Thursday, September 15, 2005

9/11 Commission Won't Shut Their Stinky Lips

The big heroes of the 9/11 commission are busy flapping their gums about the response to Katrina:

Anyone watching that storm knew it was going to affect Florida, Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana," said Lee Hamilton, a former Democratic congressman from Indiana. "This is not a disaster for the mayor of New Orleans to deal with."

"It was a disappointing response," said Thomas Kean, a former Republican governor of New Jersey.


"It was obvious nobody knew who was in charge," Kean said. "There was no unified command structure ... the mayor is saying one thing, the governor says another. The president is in the state, and the governor learns about it on TV."

Buncha fooking Monday morning quarterbacks these guys. It's driving them crazy that they're not in the spotlight anymore so they have to go spouting off - look at me! look at me! I was on the 9/11 Commission! I've got opinions, too!

We don't have to listen to you guys -- you were the 9/11 Commission, not the Katrina Commission, and there's not going to be one of those, so stick it in your piehole ya has-beens!

"A number of our recommendations were in the area of emergency preparedness. Had they been executed, the death toll would have been lower," Hamilton said.

Oh, my, and if you'd been a better politician you woulda been president and you could've handled the crisis and lowered the "death toll," moron. Instead you're over there stroking your 9/11 Commission report that no one even read anyway, just like all these other "reports" and "research" that is always going on. No one reads that crap -- it's just to prop up the economy.

You should be kissing George W. Bush's left testicle that you were even considered relevant enough to be on a 9/11 Commission that was completely ignored, because at least it said 9/11 on it and everyone knows that was important so you get to have a little importance rub off on you even though no one knows who the fook you are and couldn't give three little dingleberries.

9/11 is so over. It's Katrina time, baby! And you're not invited.

@ SkogsBlog, Paul says: "There is more than sufficient evidence to prove criminal negligence on the part of many parties involved in this debacle. We need to investigate it while it is fresh in our nations mind, before the art of obfuscation and denial can be plied by people who have proven to be masters at the craft. We owe it to those who are still floating in their attics."

@ A Lie A Day, John says: "Screw up a national rescue, don't worry, the failed FEMA response will not be investigated, heck they won't even bother to find out how a man with a bogus resume could win approval from the Republican controlled Senate."

@ The Left Coaster: "the GOP senate took the necessary steps to cover Bush’s ass when they rejected an outside commission to look into government’s response to Katrina, even though a large majority of the public wants an outside commission to investigate what went wrong at all levels."

Gillette Offers New 75-blade Razor

In an attempt to be the silliest razor company in existence, Gillette is announcing the 5-blade Fusion razor. This is a step up from Gillette's previous innovation, the Mach15 TurboCharged Rocket Razor.

I hate shaving as much as the next guy, but how many fooking blades do I need and after 3 or 4, how much of a difference does it really make? After a certain point it's not the razor that's the problem, it's the face. Until they figure out how to give us all perfect square faces with no nose and no chin to get in the way, they're just spinning their wheels as far as I'm concerned.

But what's great about this is that Gillette CEO James Kilts warned the industry back in February of last year in a special column for The Onion that they'd be jumping to five blades: "You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get."

The Onion is becoming like the Nostradamus of our times.

Keira Knightley's Nipple

Ever since my last bedmate took off (something about my being "negative"), I've been enjoying men's magazines more often. Not the hardcore stuff -- I mean things like Esquire and GQ, where they blab a lot about buying $400 T-shirts but really just want to discuss sex and get beautiful women to appear on the cover with very few clothes.

Got an Esquire in the mail today and, hot damn! Keira Knightley on the cover, with more inside, including a nipple shot! Yee haba!

It's amazing how much more that nipple conveys somehow.

Thanks Keira! I confess I'd forgotten about you for a while, but you have put yourself front and center in my attention. I'm going to have to put a link to you on the side there so I don't forget. Right by Natalie Glebova.

It's a good day. Even makes me not care about that monkeyboy-in-chief for a while.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Who Needs Government When We've Got Google and the Happy Day Elementary School to Provide Relief?

Anne Applebaum has an op-ed in the Washington Post today that conservatives will no doubt be e-mailing back and forth to each other before taking a break to change their urine-soaked underwear.

Her argument? Katrina proves that we don't need no stinkin' government because her kid's elementary school and Tony Danza and the local bar are all taking up collections to help out. In fact, she says, when the government actually tried to help, they couldn't do squat because one bureacracy didn't know what the other was doing and everyone wanted to be in charge. Big government is ineffective in comparison to all the ready-made relief workers across our great land who are just waiting for their opportunity to jump in flood waters and rescue an 80-year-old woman in a wheelchair.


Unless Ms. Applebaum is planning on building levees, running her own fire station, hammering out new interstates in her spare time and changing singlehandedly into an elite fighting force that will handle all our military obligations at home and abroad, we're going to need some government.

To say that because FEMA sucks that a FEMA shouldn't exist is plain stupid.

The problem isn't big government, it's bad government. (George W. Bush has worked pretty hard at creating big government anyway -- he just talks a good game while leaving deficits in his wake that someone else will have to deal with.) A crappy response to a natural disaster doesn't mean that government stinks, it means the people you've got governing stink, like a certain former fired head of an Arabian horse group that got his job by knowing the right people because he sure as hell didn't know crap about what was going on even when CNN was screaming that desperate people were holed up in the New Orleans Convention Center.

So I thought that article was annoying.

@ heydudewhoa, Colin says: "The government didn't lack the resources to respond to Katrina, it lacked any iota of intelligence. It put up stupid regulations. It blocked people from helping. And really in a nutshell that is the problem with government. It isn't evil, it's just stupid"

@ Tapscott's Copy Desk: "it's hard not to conclude that Hurricane Katrina's worst long-term impact may yet prove to be the boost it is giving to those who want Washington bureaucrats telling the rest of us how to live our lives."

@ The Useless Tree: "From at least the time of the Reagan administration, when the argument that "government is the problem" gained wider currency, we have increasingly lost sight of the fact that certain public goods - things like the provision of security, the evacuation of the sick, the coordination of overall relief efforts - cannot be adequately provided by private interests."

One Nation, Underwhelmed

The Pledge of Allegiance is, again, unconstitutional.

A Federal court has decided that the atheists and other liberals are right and that kids in school shouldn't be forced to say "under God" because God knows some of them don't believe in Him or they prefer to pray to that rascal Allah.

Republicans are incensed, but seeing an opportunity to get politics away from messy things like Katrina and dead soldiers and back on their turf of inconsequential issues, have suggested the revision "One Nation, Under Ronald Reagan".

Other ideas have come in as well:

"One Nation, Underprepared"

"One Nation, Under A Groove"

"One Nation, Undercover, Unless You're Valerie Plame"

"One Nation, Underwear"

"One Nation, That Can Kick Your Ass"

"One Nation, That Would Be Better Off Without Cindy Sheehan"

"One Nation, That Would Be Ruled By Hitler If You Libs Had Your Way"

"One Nation, Misunderestimated"

And my choice:

"One Nation, Underwhelmed"

@ The Blob, "I just see this is yet another move by a hyper-liberal body of people to trample and shred any institutions of our democracy. To them, patriotism is a sign of weakness and should be destroyed at any opportunity. While I believe that people have a right to not believe in God, it angers me that they want to take that right away from me."

@ The Powers That Be, Doug says: "The terminally pesky are like water on a driveway – continuing to ebb and flow until finding a crack to seep into where it begins to further erode the integrity of the concrete. The water is beginning to find the cracks."

@ Frumious Blues, Michael says: "I don’t say the words “under God” if I’m attending an event where there is a public recitation of the Pledge, but I’ve also been made to feel pretty uncomfortable a couple of times because of that. Kids in school have the same option, but school bullies can be a lot crueler than wingnut adults."

@ Minipundit: "I think that we can all expect the best case scenario: the Pledge, in its current form, will go."

@ Fort Constitution: "I’m beside myself with anger over this. This piece of shit needs to be physically removed from the bench forever and bounced from the Bar. The faithless, Godless motherfucker that brought the suit in the first place should be taken out and shot for the traitorous motherfucker that he is." Zowee!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Poo on Your Party

All y'all were mad when I said I wasn't going to contribute to Katrina, and I got labeled a crazy left winger symbolic of the uncaring left by a bunch of right wingers with their heads up their cabooses.

Well check this, friends: 11 of your country's House of Representatives members voted against a big ol' aid package for Katrina, and I want you to take a super duper wild guess at which political party they were from... I'll give you a second to think...

Give up? They were all Republicans! Yes, every single one of those bastards who voted against that money to help save our brothers and sisters down in N'awlins was aligned with your friends in the G-O-P. All them nasty hippies on the left voted thumbs-up!

The names of the baddies, for the record:

Joe Barton - TX

Jeff Flake - AZ

Virginia Foxx - NC

Scott Garrett - NJ

John Hostettler - IN

Steve King - IA

Butch Otter - ID

Ron Paul - TX

James Sensenbrenner - WI

Tom Tancredo - CO

Lynn Westmoreland - GA

(Thanks to Oliver Willis for digging up the evidence.)

"We are in this sort of knee-jerk reaction mode," said Tom Tancredo, one of 11 House members, all Republicans, who voted against the latest emergency spending bill.

Funny, I didn't see a whole lotta reactin' going on at all.

Anyway, to all you who want to label the libs as uncaring I say poo on you, and poo on your party.

@ State 29, an homage to Iowa Congressman Steve King, aptly titled: Steve King, Iowa's Dumbest Congressman.

@ Ashia 28's Civics Blog Ashia28 says: "Is this natural disaster and the governments actions showing that if there was another terrorist attack would the United States be ready? Yes if the Al-Qaida attacked again we(the government) would not be ready people and media is also attacking President Bush for not responding to the storm quick enough Bush received the lowest ever approval rating after the late response from the government to the disaster."

That's quite a paragragh, but I'll give Ashia28 a break as it is his/her first blog post and everyone's got to start somewhere. At least no one called him/her a lot of bad names and told him/her that he/she would burn in the fires of Hades, which is what I got on my first posts and it hurt bad.

@ Off the Kuff, Charles quotes the opponent of Texas Rep Ron Paul, another voter againster: "Ron Paul only wanted to make a meaningless philosophical point while the rest of the country wants to come to the aid of the victims of Katrina."

Ophelia Your Pain

It looks like the guvmint may get a shot at redemption, as Ophelia is expected to turn into a hurricane and hit North Carolina tomorrow. The Outer Banks better get outer there.

It's only looking like a Category 1 hurricane so far, which I'm sure is no picnic, but the preznint should be able to handle it, especially now that he admits he had his head up his caboose on Katrina and will try to do better:

"Are we capable of dealing with a severe attack or another severe storm? That's a very important question and it's in our national interest that we find out exactly what went on so we can better respond."

It's more than a little disillusioning to find our president wondering whether or not we could handle a severe attack 4 years after 9/11. Well, actually, that would mean I had illusions that he had it all under control, and that's so not the case.

Anyway, Ophelia will be like a test run for him. Baby steps, George, baby steps.

@ Wil the Beer Man, who may be in Ophelia's path: "This is the week my roof is being replaced. It's only 3/4 done with only tar paper in places. There are nails and shingles all around my house on the ground. The guys/company that is replacing the roof have now been placed on my fecal roster. Yesterdays I had to call and almost threaten them to get them to come back and secure my roof and grounds." (Fecal roster, that's good, I gotta use that.)

@ Berean Blog, Lee prefers "a brick building over merely a brick foundation!" to wait out the storm, and directs storm watchers to what could become a hurricane cam.

@ Actress, Mom and Then Some, Leslie's beach vacation is alarming the children: "The oldest kid, thinks we're going to get washed away. I explained that we're going to a different ocean"

Monday, September 12, 2005

A Little Mercury Never Hurt Anyone

The Senate appears ready to get rid of the current EPA rules on mercury, mostly because they suck. A repeal would basically put mercury emission standards back to where they were under the Clean Air Act, known to Bush as the "Mean to My Contributors Act."

It's been known for many years now that mercury pollution can work its way up the food chain, generally through fish, causing brain damage in children and general lunacy in George W. Bush.

However, the president has promised to veto any proposed change, falling back to the old "sound science" principle, which means if it sounds like science President Bush can't hear it.

Everyone knows the Bible says mercury is good for you, and that's where this conversation ends, pal.

@ The Philozophical Programmer, Dave says: "President Bush hasn't vetoed a single bill put in front of him. I don't know why they don't get one of those animatronic dummies from Disney, but its probably cheaper to use the dummy they already have."

Barry Bonds Is Back, Baby!

Hot damn, Barry's back!

All season long I've been on the edge of my seat, constantly checking to hear Barry pontificate on life and the state of his knees, hoping against hope that he could come back before the baseball season was over and flex his steroid-pumped (I mean flaxseed-pumped) muscles and drive some baseballs to Mars for a team going nowhere fast.

Here's hoping Barry goes the way of Juan Gonzalez tonight -- one at-bat, a grimace, and then see ya next year. (Maybe.)

@ The Guy, Barry receives honorable mention in the list of sportsters most likely to commit a homicide.

@ Fungoes, Pip says Ryne Sandberg writes like a 6th grader for Yahoo Sports and should stop kissing Barry Bonds musclebound behind.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Where's MY 9/11 Loan?

It sounds like everyone's been getting a piece of those 9/11 loans the government doled out except me.

After 9/11 about $5 billion dollars was handed out to banks to help businesses struggling due to post-9/11 issues, and they gave the banks lots of latitude to decide where the money would go. It went to a lot of crazy places.

Check it out: KBFS-AM "Hit Kickin' Country" in Belle Fourche, South Dakota needed $135,000 because of lost advertisers due to 9/11, Little Dogs Resort & Salon in Salt Lake City needed a $50,000 loan because people stopped taking vacations with their dogs, plus more than 100 Dunkin' Donuts, Subway and Quiznos franchises across the country got the 9/11 loans.

Now the country music I can understand -- country music sucks, and 9/11 didn't make it any better. The little dogs, absolutely. Everyone knows dog grooming suffers after terrorist attacks, especially 1000 miles away from the attacks themselves.

But the donuts? No one is going to convince me that a single Dunkin Donuts franchise suffered from 9/11 -- in fact I would suggest they profited mightily as eating is a favorite activity in times of great stress, and Dunkin' Donuts has awesome crullers. I don't want to call it blood money, but there is no doubt that Dunkin' Donuts was one of the winners in post-9/11 America. It's a travesty that our government was throwing our money at their bottom line.

@ Eschew Obfuscation, more examples of those making out on 9/11 funds while those in NYC stared at their blacked storefronts.

How Long Will It Take You to Get Here from Iraq?

The head of the National Guard bureau, Lt. Gen. Steven Blum, says that a day was "arguably" lost in responding to Katrina because the Mississippi National Guard's 155th Infantry Brigade and Louisiana's 256th Infantry Brigade were in Iraq fighting the terrorists instead of fighting them here at home.

Later, Lt. Gen. Blum was court-martialed. (Kidding, but don't be surprised. Truth is not taken well by our leaders.)

@ Cavalry Scout, The Trooper's Friend says: "Stretched thin. The American military is stretched thin. How many times have you heard that meme? How many times have you seen it in print? Have any idea how big a crock of bull it is?"

@ Rick the Vote: "George Bush is a DOUCHEY" (This was a follow-up post to the brilliant "Barbara Bush is a DOUCHEY.")

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Do You REALLY Love Black People?

Everyone piled on me the other day about this post and this post, saying what a horrible cretin I am and I'm headed straight to hell, etc., but over the last couple days I'm seeing the Katrina hypocrites at their best.

"Sure we'll give y'all some money, but you refugees go back where you came from. Huh? Oh, yeah, you can't do that. Well, you can't stay in my backyard."

The other night Barbara Bush, America's white-haired sweetheart, remarked that it was "scary" to have all of these refugees coming to Texas. This was after she told us that camping out at second base in the Houston Astrodome was preferable to living in their own piece of sheet homes back in New Orleans.

And now the people of Texas are buying guns to defend themselves from the very people they were reaching out to the day before yesterday. And they're not shy about telling what they think of these intruders:

One angry listener who called in to a Houston radio station slapped down state Governor Rick Perry for freeing up unconditional funds for those afflicted by the disaster.

"Why don't they give them a shovel to go work somewhere in return (for) the aid they get?" the listener asked.

Hell, yes. The last time I got plucked off my roof because of water up to the upstairs windows, you best believe I had to be back to work on Monday, even if I was coming from another state. And when my father died in the swirling waters? I just grabbed a shovel and got back to work. That's what us honest white folk do!

So, do you love the poor black people or don't you? You can't just love 'em from afar, you gotta welcome them in to your neighborhood if you really mean it.

I have my house posted on the Internet to welcome some poor refugees, and if any of them have a spare laptop, they might even see it and come stay with me. How 'bout you?

Now I don't mean to be too hard on anyone. You're right to be afraid. When a system is set up that purposely works to keep poor people in their place, it's best to stay away from those poor people because some of them are apt to be a little mad.

And, if those poor people happen to be black and you happen to be white and have a little money, it wouldn't be a bit surprising if they decided to take out some of their frustration at the system on the white faces they see around them, and you are right to not want to take one for the white team here -- after all, you didn't create the system, did you?

You just voted for it.

Refugees Get $2000, Buy Astros Tickets

FEMA is giving out cold hard cash to Katrina victims -- $2000 per household. I say, "It's about time they did something right."

For those stranded in places like the Houston Astrodome, the $2000 can come in the form of a MasterCard debit card. It ain't a new life, but for a little while they can just pretend they're on vacation. Buy some Astros T-shirts, get some hot dogs and nachos, have a little fun. Good job, FEMA.

I found this a little sad:

As a safeguard against fraud, the Associated Press reported that FEMA will use aerial photographs of devastated areas to verify that the refugees were forced from their homes in cases where they cannot provide documents to prove their losses or identities.

I can just see the people pointing at the aerial photograph: "That one, right there. That's mine. I can tell by the shape of the whole I blasted through the roof to escape."

@ Eschaton, Atrios discusses CNN reporter Kyra Phillips making sure that those nasty refugees don't double-dip on the debit cards.

@ Bipolar Musings, Michele in Texas offers: "And this morning they had to lock down the Astrodome for awhile while trying to get the $2000 checks out to the people awaiting them there was such uproar and problem. Seems HPD may be right. When they arrived on the busses here from LA they had been patted down for weapons, well Houston PD took piles of guns and knives from them on arrival... This is a side the media is not telling. These folks that came from the Super Dome came from a rough part of town. My brother is familiar with the city; says it's a place he'd never go. He likes life too much.

@ rightwingsparkle: "Schools were opened for the children, school supplies given, and now $2000 check cards for everyone to get started. And this list is just a partial list. Bush signed off 10 billion just to begin helping. Does this sound like a man who doesn't like black people? (we won't even go into his appointment for cabinet-level positions)"

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Egypt Holds "Election"

Lots of excitement over who the new leader of Egypt might be:

Voters trickled into polling stations to chose between [Hosni] Mubarak and his nine rivals, most of them little-known leaders of political parties with few members, with the exception of two liberal candidates Ayman Nour and Noman Gomaa.

Several hundred demonstrators gathered in central Cairo to call for an election boycott but plainclothes men broke up the protest and beat up some activists. The government had banned demonstrations on Wednesday.

Mubarak, 77, has won office four times since 1981 through referendums in which he was the single candidate, chosen by a parliament dominated by the ruling National Democratic Party.

It seems that Egypt is holding these elections based loosely on pressure from the U.S. As you can see, democracy is on the march.

@ MoJoBlog, Charles says: "Then there is the actual constitutional amendment that set the elections into place – Article 76 – an anti-democratic reform designed to preserve the status quo. Besides allowing for multi-party elections, Article 76 also outlawed the largest opposition party, the Muslim Brotherhood, and made it virtually impossible for independent candidates to run at all."

@ The Adventures of Eric in Outer Space, Eric offers some advantages Mubarak enjoys, including: "All newspapers have editors appointed by the regime, the TV channels are all state controlled, as is the radio."

@ My Fleece Vest, Nick says: "Not only is this is a missed opportunity for the Egyptian people, it's also more evidence that the US isn't serious about promoting democracy abroad. Why bother to threaten to hold Mubarak accountable if we're unwilling to follow through?"

Does Anyone Watch Tennis?

I used to like tennis, back in the Bjorn Borg, John McEnroe, Ivan Lendl days. I'd even watch Martina and Chris Evert Lloyd sometimes when they would inevitably meet in the women's finals of every event (to be won by Navratilova 9 times out of 10).

Somewhere along the way tennis got boring, but I'm not sure why. Andre Agassi looked like he might bring it back, but that got sidetracked when boring Pete Sampras and his bushy eyebrows proved to be better than Andre and his bushy hair (soon to be replaced with no hair). Agassi's still out there, but now he's playing some guy named James Blake at the U.S. Open and I guess we're supposed to be unsure of who to root for.

The Williams sisters are sort of interesting. And that Maria Sharapova is easy on the eyes (plus, check out her bizarre Web site where she shills for something called Speedminton, badminton on speed).

But I can't get into it. I'm not sure why. Maybe if I ever actually watched it I'd get interested, but nothing has whipped up enough of a frenzy in me to make watching tennis more interesting than watching a bodybuilding competition or other random competition. How 'bout you?

@ Write Again Soon, madchen says: "I'm completely and unashamedly addicted to the U.S. Open. In fact, right at this very minute I am tempted to run upstairs (the TV in the basement having been given unceremoniously to Jess last weekend) to check on the status of the Mary Pierce/Amelie Mauresmo quarterfinal."

@ Bodog Beat, Maria Starr says: "For her performance last night at the US Open in which Maria Sharapova finally found her "mojo" late in the third set to win her quarterfinal match against Nadia Petrova, the No. 1 seed easily wins today's Bodog Babe of the Day award. Not so easy is what awaits this Russian hottie in the semifinal round. No. 4 seed Kim Clijsters, who treated us all to at least a half dozen leg splits, beat the crap out of an exhausted Venus Williams in her quarterfinal meeting (4-6, 7-5, 6-1) with the No. 10 seed late last night."

@ The Zombie Chronicles, Steve offers: "a nice, sweet, innocent picture of Sharapova eating a banana."

@ Overread offers non-sequiturs such as: "Agassi's 35 and still in the singles run, too. And his middle name is apparently 'Kirk.'" and "Also, I may have mentioned this before, but healthy athletic tennis women are gorgeous." while also mentioning that Martina is still out there at age 48.

@ Rahul Prabakhar, brushes with greatness, in the form of a speedy John McEnroe and Al Gore recount lawyer David Boies, who Rahul nerdishly recognized by sight.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Everybody Dies: Gilligan's Turn

Gilligan's dead:

Bob Denver, who bumbled and stumbled his way to television stardom as goofy castaway Gilligan in the 1960s comedy "Gilligan's Island," has died of complications from cancer, his agent said on Tuesday.

I once worked for a company that wanted Bob Denver to appear at an event, but they decided he was too much money. I was a little disappointed. I won't get that chance again, at least not on this side.

That always gives me a little existential angst. Other people are born, they live and they die and you never know them. Even stranger, the people on TV are people that are born, live and die and you feel like you know them when you really don't, and if you saw them in real life they'd smile that smile that says, "Try to remember. You see me on the screen, but I don't see you."

@ fox gnaws: "My favorite episode was the one where a box of radioactive seeds washes onto shore. They plant the seeds and are stunned to realize the plants have matured overnight. After a suitable feast, they wake the next morning to discover they have gained super-powers."

@ Clift Notes: "I've read that when Bob Denver got the part of Maynard, he didn't even know what a beatnik was...perhaps that was because Denver was a Catholic school teacher when he landed the role on "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis" and became a world famous nut."

@ scream jerk, jay says: "A young intern recently hired by Scream Jerk to investigate the Bush administration's response time to the victims of Hurricane Katrina has stumbled upon information that may prove that George Bush is solely responsible for the death of Bob Denver, TV's Gilligan."

@ The Idiom, MrSurly says: "Gilligan's Island will always remind me of my childhood and a safer, simpler time -- a time when there were only three television networks and you and all your friends all watched the same shows, not because you liked them necessarily, but because there was nothing else on."

Paying for Your Car's Gas To Be the Least of Your Problems

Quit whining about $3 a gallon at the pumps, because if you have to heat your home this winter, THAT'S what's going to cost you:

By Tuesday, more than 4 billion cubic feet a day, or 42 percent, of the region's natural gas production remained shut down and 67.6 billion cubic feet of output has been lost since Aug. 26, according to the federal Minerals Management Service.

This is the time of year when utilities typically increase their underground storage of natural gas in order to prepare for winter demand.

The U.S. does not have an emergency stockpile of natural gas, as it does for crude oil, and the country's capacity for importing liquefied natural gas is limited.

I was hearing about high natural gas prices BEFORE Hurricane Katrina -- it's going to be bad no matter what happens.

Toyota Annoys the Sheet Out of You for a Good Cause

Toyota is attempting to make its cars safer by annoying the crap out of drivers:

Japanese automaker Toyota has developed a safety technology that it says will
keep the driver's eyes on the road.

An image-processing computer system developed by Toyota Motor Corp. and a Toyota affiliate uses a camera near the steering wheel to detect when the driver stops looking straight ahead.

The system flashes a light on the dashboard display and emits a beeping noise when the eyes start to wander. If the driver still doesn't respond, brakes kick in, Toyota said Tuesday.

I predict many will die by driving off the road while smashing their fists against the dashboard in vain, trying to shut the car up instead of watching where the hell they're going.

Lance Armstrong Threatens to Bore Us to Death

A day after dazzling the world with his engagement to Sheryl Crow, Lance Armstrong is threatening to come out of retirement and force the media to talk about how inspiring he is again.

I'm no fan of Lance. I'm glad he got better from cancer -- I wish sickness or death on no one. But, come on. He dumped his wife to move on to Sheryl Crow and has gained celebrity by winning a bike race that no one in the U.S. gave a crap about 20 years ago, and one that most still don't know why they should care about today.

My sneaking suspicion is that he's starting to realize that he and Sheryl aren't going to work out if he doesn't get back in the saddle and keep his notoriety up. Sure, she's got 10 years on him, but she's still the hotter end of the matchup and he's going to have to do something to hold up his end of the bargain.

So don't be surprised if he we have to put up with another year of Lance next summer.

@ Casino of the Atlantic, JWAB says: "the fact that Armstrong would be coming back for no other reason than to piss off the French makes him one of the greatest people in recorded human history. I hope he comes back, wins, and then gives the French media a nice fresh urine sample to study."

@ Lij: "Don't piss off Lance Armstrong, because he'll never go leave you alone if you do."

@ Remco Bron: "I truly hope he will come-back out of retirment to shut-up all the critics. Go Lance!"

@ OU JMC 1013: Ms. Crimson, Derek says: "No one is above scrutiny in the French media. Supposedly, the same is true in the US. But the Armstrong story does not go much further than discussing his LIVESTRONG bracelets and fighting cancer, despite how prominent a figure/hero he is in America and France."

@ MeisterBlog: "how cool would that be?!?! i’d be counting down the days until next July, that’s for sure!"

Bury Me in My Robe

William Rehnquist is dead, and his death brings up a number of questions.

Of course it brings up the question of the Supreme Court and what the new balance will be now that John Roberts will be taking over & Sandra Day O'Connor's space still needs to be filled.

For me it also brings the question of why a 80-year-old man wanted to work basically until the day of his death. It was obvious he was very very sick, so why continue working?

I suppose he may have continued as a way to cheat death, thinking as long as he kept going he wouldn't die.

More likely he had achieved a point of such status and importance in this country, both today and in the annals of history that nothing else seemed any more attractive in his last days. Why relax and try to enjoy your last days smelling a flower or watching kids play, or any of the other things you're supposed to value so much in this life, when what you really love doing is putting on a big robe and having meaty dialogues about the biggest issues the country and world face?

Hell, I guess I would've gone out the same way.

You weren't really my cup of tea, Mr. Rehnquist, but I hope you sucked the marrow out of life. From here it looks like you did.

@ oddjack, the talk is not so much about Rehnquist's legacy but about the sure-thing odds of his death versus the surprise demise of Bob Denver ("Gilligan") in the celebrity death pool.

@ ou jmc 1013: MR Red, David says: "It seems to me that the media has spent too much time talking about John Roberts and not enough time covering the life and times of Rehnquist. Most of the news reports I've seen focus either on his replacement or the changing Court. Granted both are important but we need to remember those that have come before."

@ Peace Like A River, Jeff says: "Does it really serve the country well when you're carried out feet first, still wearing your robe?"

@ Brendan Calling from the Underground, Brendan says: "I am GLAD the old racist is dead."

@ Naked Voodoo Chicken Dance, a tale of two funerals -- Rehnquist's and Vera down in New Orleans.

Friday, September 02, 2005

I STILL Won't Contribute to Katrina

I hit the traffic jackpot yesterday with my previous post, mostly because I cross-posted at BlogCritics and got a lot of people all worked up. They got their righteous indignation worked out and are probably very proud of the various names they called me, with "scum" being the most popular. I even got listed in Chrenkoff's list of inconsiderate liberals, which is pretty cool considering I just started my blog two days ago! Unprecedented success!

Now I have a confession to make. I STILL won't contribute to Katrina, despite the fact that all y'all hate me. However, my last post was purposely provocative -- George Bush isn't really the reason I won't contribute (although I despise him just as much today as yesterday and have plenty of things I DO blame him for).

I won't contribute because it's been shown over and over again that in a crisis, people heap on the love, giving millions of dollars or whatever aid is needed, but then forget as life rushes back in. The Red Cross will get a ton of money this week, but what will they get 4, 5, 6 months down the road, while people still need help? Very little. Because people will have moved on.

Both 9/11 and the tsunami relief efforts show this to be true -- people were giving blood after 9/11 like crazy, until the Red Cross asked them to stop because it was too much. How many people gave on March 11. 2002? (Granted, money is good anytime, as it won't go bad like blood.) The rush of help after the tsunami subsided while millons were still suffering away from new headlines.

I do my giving in a planned way, not giving in times of crisis because I know the crisis money will show up. The suffering of New Orleans isn't going to be transformed in a day even if the Red Cross gave a $100 bill to everyone that asked for one. My dollar today, while symbolic, will do only so much. So I will hold on to it for a while, and give when the inevitable shortage occurs. I might even give $1.50. (That was just to be provocative, too; don't get yourself in a snit.)

That said, George W. Bush is a jerk.

You may be surprised to hear that I know George W. Bush is not a hurricane, and did not slam into Louisiana and Missisippi blowing over houses with his big, flappy gums. But that doesn't mean his policies don't hurt people, and may well have contributed to the severity of damage, both human and property, that we are seeing in these states.

The war in Iraq is its own disaster, not just in loss of American lives, but also in the billions of dollars it has taken to keep it going. It is fact that money that should have gone to shoring up the levees around New Orleans went to Iraq. Would the levees have broken even if they were fully functional and not sinking or unfinished? Maybe. But the people of New Orleans never got the chance to find out.

President Bush has strived mightily in his administration to increase the gap between the rich and the poor. While preaching Christianity, he has performed un-Christlike maneuvers like disproportionately cutting taxes for the rich, and he's working hard on that estate tax for the filthiest of the filthy rich as well. All this while his endless war plays out. And now in New Orleans we find that the poor suffered the most from Hurricane Katrina, many of them unable to leave their homes because they had no transportation (and don't bring up Fats Domino; there are exceptions to every rule).

Is it all George W. Bush's fault? Of course not. I kicked up a fuss because now's the time to point these things out, when people are paying attention to the world instead of sleepily buying into the B.S. about compassionate conservativism and spreading democracy. George W. Bush cares about what impacts George W. Bush and his wealthy contributors -- New Orleans' poor did not qualify. If the levees were a problem near Jack Abramoff's house, you can bet they would have been taken care of.

And that's why I'd like to see them pay up for once.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

I Won't Contribute to Katrina

I just stopped at the grocery store to pick up a candy bar. They only had one line open, plus the do-it-yourself area where you have to play amateur cashier. I hate that do-it-yourself area, but the other line was too long so I used it.

After I managed to get the candy bar's bar code to fit perfectly over the little laser and figured out how the machine worked so I could waste twice the time it would normally take me to buy a candy bar, an employee approached me and said, "Would you like to give a dollar for Hurricane Katrina?"

I said, "No."

First off, I'm offended that the store employees are wandering around fundraising instead of helping customers, especially when it's so obvious that the store conglomerate uses these do-it-yourself machines to cut down on the number of employees necessary to help customers so that the store conglomerate can turn a larger profit while having fewer of those pesky union workers to deal with.

But beyond that, I'm sick of footing the bill for George W. Bush and the rest of his so-called compassionate conservatives. It's been well-documented over the past two days that there were all kinds of warnings about what could happen to New Orleans and that the levees designed to keep out the water were sinking or uncompleted.

What did Bush do? Nothing. Actually, worse than nothing. He was so busy fighting his cowboy war in Iraq (cheers to Hugo Chavez for the analogy) that he actually diverted money away from the projects that might have saved New Orleans because the war was so damn expensive! And now I should pony up to help out? Sorry, Charlie.

Let Bush open his wallet. I'm sure he's still got a few nickels rolling around his pockets from flipping the Texas Rangers like a Miami condo.

You 60 million losers who voted for this loser open YOUR wallets. This president declared war on the poor long ago, and while some of us cared enough to vote for someone who gave a damn, you buried your heads in the sand, babbled about abortion and family values, and voted for the doofus.

And now you want to act all high and mighty and come asking me for a buck or two to help these poor people? Sorry, Charlie. Take an extra buck or two out of the fund you set aside to buy seventeen Support Our Troops magnets to stick all over your car to show how patriotic you are.

You want disaster relief? Impeach George W. Bush.

@ Blue Collar Politics, Jack says: "Bush used the peoples tendency to "believe" and had them/us believing that you COULD cut the taxes on the wealthy, grant corporate tax breaks, do away with Estate Taxes, fight wars of choice against non-aggressor nations, overpay friendly corporations on no bid contracts in Iraq (and have $9 BILLION go "missing"), cut the funding for things like the levees and allow destruction of the flood-protective wetlands AND STILL EASILY COPE WITH ANY DISASTER THAT COULD COME FROM THOSE POLICIES!

@, a compare and contrast of George Bush flying around while disasters happen, trying to figure out what the hell to do next.

@ Darleen's Place, Darleen says: "Those who indecently blame Bush for Katrina are just as despicable, and as deranged, as the a**hole/criminal "Repent America" group that claims Katrina is God's wrath for New Orleans "decadence" and gay-friendliness and Islamists declaring Private Katrina is part of the jihad."

@ Part-Time Pundit, jcb says: "You've heard that Bush cut the funding to protect New Orleans from this, but accourding to the Corps of Engineers in N.O. protection was 25 years off, and of unclear effectiveness."

@ Think Progress, more evidence that compassion is spelled t-a-x-c-u-t, but they're happy to ask you to lend a hand.

@ Blanton's and Ashton's, G.D. Frogsdong says: "Now Condi's beloved leader, President Chauncey Gardiner, has appeared on Good Morning America and claimed that nobody ever thought the levees would fail. It must be kind of pleasant to be that detached from reality. It must be fun being president when you don't have to have any clue at all as to what is or isn't true."

@ Eschaton, quotes from a CNN "personality": "I remember the riots in Watts, I remember the earthquake in San Francisco, I remember a lot of things. I have never, ever, seen anything as bungled and as poorly handled as this situation in New Orleans."

Also this, via DailyKos' transcription: "We're going to talk about something else before the show's over, too. And that's the big elephant in the room. The race and economic class of most of the victims, which the media hasn't discussed much at all, but we will a bit later.

@ Hullabaloo, Digby says: "This failed experiment in free-market magical thinking can be summed up entirely by pictures of dead elderly Americans on the streets of New Orleans."

@ The Next Hurrah, DemFromCT says: "If you want to help, send money (not goods) to the American Red Cross if you can. Donate by following this link, or donate by phone at 1-800-HELP NOW." (Hey, do what you gotta do.)