Monday, October 31, 2005

Maureen Dowd Wants Me

"Men aren't necessary, but, you, Blunderford, are so much more than a man!"

I used to be afraid of Maureen Dowd. I thought she was a woman I couldn't handle, with that lethal combination of biting sarcasm and prim white pearls around her neck. I knew that MoDo had no need for me or my gender, and wanted a world made up only of herself, Alfre Woodard, Helena Bonham Carter and maybe Joan Cusack for comic relief.

But I've changed my mind. Now I know different: Maureen Dowd wants me.

Two signs in particular have shown themselves, lighting the path toward this truth. First, I stumbled upon an old interview Ms. Dowd did with Jon Stewart, our modern answer to Jimmy Stewart, or perhaps Stewart Smalley. In it, Ms. Dowd showed those silky legs to their best effect, her fire-red hair calling out me -- "Blunderford, I am fierce, yet I am woman!"

And I was intrigued.

And now, Maureen, you cunning vixen, a new book, Are Men Necessary?, which at first glance seems to confirm all my worst fears. And yet...

And yet I know that in calling for a world without men, Maureen Dowd is simply trying to subjugate her very strongest desires in the name of keeping her street cred with the bald feminists of Main Street America.

And yet a book cover featuring an alluring heroine in red dress and red hair -- representing Dowd herself, no doubt -- pretending to read her book but so obviously glancing amorously at a rugged man in a fedora and five 'o clock shadow. A man who looks suspiciously like yours truly, Blunderford Matthew Hensley.

And yet while Maureen Dowd tries to be strong, she so obviously puts forth an image she can not live up to, an image of a woman who does not need the strong arms of a man to hold her tight, a woman who does not need the bread left open with no twist tie, a woman who does not want, need or desire a sweaty, snoring behemoth to roll on to her in the morning with stink breath and say, "My dick hurts for you, baby."

And I know it is all a lie. I know that MoDo will someday soon melt into my arms and say, "I love you, Blunderford. Are there any more Oreos left in your pocket for a small-town girl with a heart of gold?"

I will smile... and offer her my Double-Stuf.

Other thoughts on Maureen Dowd:

@ Sigmund, Carl and Alfred: "Would you want this woman marrying your brother, son, or anyone else in your family? Would you want her influencing children?"

@ my amusement park: "Let me preface this post by saying that I know everyone's going to be talking about how Maureen Dowd's a moron now, but I've been saying it for years. Years."

@ Instapunk: " suppose her preferred line of attack is that men aren't necessary, that the world would be better off if women -- especially smart women -- were artificially inseminated like dairy cows and free to bring up their smart female-only progeny in a one-sex society. That way, female IQs could keep going up while the male population dwindled away to nothing."

@ feministing: "Really, is Dowd so egotistical to think that only certain “successful” women determine current gender relations? Perhaps if she expanded her circle of friends--or actually tried to interview the lowly secretaries, assistants, and nannies who are supposedly stealing up all of the men--Dowd would see that the future of feminism goes beyond her backyard."

@ Echidne of the Snakes: "You may have noticed that I am angry at Maureen, and this is indeed the case. I'm fuming, and not because she is not a feminist. I always knew that Maureen was no sister at all, and in any case goddesses don't have sisters as such. But I am really pissed off at all those story-tellers who make up trends from whole cloth and then bemoan the existence of this trend they have just created."

Chicks Dig Me

"I may have 7 chins, but Exxon made $100 billion kazillion dollars last quarter. Guess which one of us is going to have a hot model on his arm tonight?"

Friday, October 28, 2005

You Will Like It, Like It, Like It on Your Table, Table, Table

"Don't worry. I'm this close to getting Rove's ass in a sling, too."

Sure, I'm disappointed it was only Lewis Libby, aka Scooter Libby to the members of his crime family, but I have faith in this Fitzgerald. He's going after Rove for bigger stuff & he will be sent down the river. Then, only Bush and Cheney to go. How many have to get sent to jail before someone with a brain is next in line to the throne?

@ Captain's Quarters: "A mighty thin Fitzmas indeed. Anyone celebrating this as more significant than the fruits of stupidity needs to develop more outside interests, like philately or cycling."

Monday, October 24, 2005

Workin the mullet

Tom Hanks proves that all of us will have a mid-life crisis.

The Ladies of Prussian Blue

Not quite what I had expected.

Horny for Prussian Blue

If you aren't familiar with Prussian Blue (and you know you are, you dirty old racist pig), they are a couple of the cutest little musical twin supremacists you're likely to see, and if ABC thinks it's OK to get suckered into give them PrimeTime attention, then I do, too.

Prussian Blue gives proof to the fact that if you package it right, you can get a few fat white guys to show up to stand in a field and ogle 13-year-olds and say "I hate them niggers."

According to the Prussian Blue Web site, "The early release of a sample from the song, “The Stranger,” a musical adaptation of a Rudyard Kipling poem, is causing quite a stir on the racialist music scene." That's really amazing, because we all know how discriminating (pardon the pun) the racialist music scene can be.

When asked about comparisons to the Olsen twins, Lynx and Lamb said in unison, "Oh, like, absolutely. We're working on a TV show called 'Full Stalag', and Lynx already has bulimia."

I can't see the rationale for putting this little cult of pathetic whities on a network news show just because some demented parents decided their twin beauties could be the pinup girls for a "movement" that ain't movin'. Is ABC so starved for programming that they have to chase down every freak show that puts up a Web site and says something controversial?

Hey, maybe I could get them to do a segment on me.

@ The Show: "I do have to admit, though, the Happy Hitler baby tees are pretty adorable."

@ Anti-Strib: "These jerks just add fuel to the NAACP’s accusations that all white people are racist. They not only damage race relations, they make all white people look like potential 1870 Klan members."

@ Modern Tribalist: "Of course, if these girls were black and praising everything African then the liberal media would be saying how wonderful it was that these teenagers were taking pride in their heritage."

@ Mesmerization Eclipse: "Prussian Blue might be my new favorite band. Or they would be, were I a paranoid, delusional, self-hating asshole."

Friday, October 21, 2005

I Don't Care What They Say, My Roids Need to Air Dry

My mother-in-law is such a bitch. Look at her, she wrote to Dear Abby about me, like that's such a great way to keep my marriage harmonius:

DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law insists on walking around naked after his shower. He claims that he's hot and must let his hemorrhoids air-dry. Abby, this man has four children, three of whom are girls ages 9, 7 and 4. My daughter has done everything from plead to scream to get him to stop this habit, yet he still emerges from the bathroom with the announcement, "Turn your heads, girls, I'm naked!"

What more can my daughter do to get him to understand how potentially dangerous this is? -- DISGUSTED IN JAMESON, MO.
I'll tell you what your daughter can do, Esther. She could get a fooking job so I don't have to sit on my ass all day in a cubicle staring at numbers until my eyes are as dry as I think you know what and sifting through 50,000 e-mails from my poophead co-workers who think every joke and tear-jerker life lesson that hits their inbox has to be passed along and making chitchat with my so-called boss who doesn't know his ass from his A: drive.

My roids are killing me -- I didn't say anything when you had your dam liposuction, just pretended like I didn't even notice, made a couple comments like "I like your new hairstyle" when I knew full well you'd had 60 tons of flab sucked out of your hips, belly, and your upper and lower cheeks if you catch my drift -- so keep your trap shut too how bout?.

You know what, "Mom", as you insist I call you as if my own mother doesn't exist? Your daughter hates you and we're working hard to make sure Shanna, Alexandra and Chloe hate you, too, because they couldn't care less if their dad walks around naked because we've made it pretty dam clear to them that this is the way God made us and intended us to look unless it got below 40 degrees.


Rodman coming back to the NBA?

News reports say Dennis Rodman, above, may want another go at the NBA.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

It's Howdy DeLay Time, It's Howdy DeLay Time

That first shot is Tom DeLay, indicted for being a general all-around prick. Second, Jim Ellis, executive director of Americans for a Republican Majority Political Action Committee, also arrested. It's not fair to judge a book by its cover, but I say they're both guilty! Guilty, guilty, guilty! Ha, ha, ha, hee ho ho huuu!!!!

And this here is Delay's lawyer, so you know he's going down the river soon.

@ Political Pit Bull: "Tom DeLay's mug shot is one of the best I have ever seen. He should really consider using it for his license."

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Screaming for a Caption

Here's mine: "I know what you're thinking, but this is actually the size of one of my balls."

Simply Because

Been falling short of my hot chick quota. Here's a couple, I mean, here's one.

Son of Merv Griffin

Val Kilmer and Robert Downey Jr. portray Merv Griffin and Johnny Depp in the new film "Fear and Loathing and How About Some More of That Lobster and A Bottle of Wine and What's for Dessert Because I Could Eat A Horse"

White House: U.S. Unprepared for Just About Everything

Master of the obvious:

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff acknowledged today that the Federal Emergency Management Agency was "overwhelmed" by Hurricane Katrina and called for a buildup of the government's "preparedness capability" to deal with major natural disasters and terrorist attacks.

Unfortunately, the next test of that preparedness capability may come this weekend, as Hurricane Wilma, measured as the strongest hurricane ever in the Atlantic Ocean, heads for Florida. Are the admissions of failure too little, too late to make the changes necessary in dealing with the potential aftermath of another Category 5 hurricane?

When President George W. Bush was asked about Hurricane Wilma, he bit his lip, looked somber and said, "God is good, and the people of the Atlantic Ocean are good, and we will rebuild the ocean and the ocean peoples."

When informed that Wilma was actually still on her way to shore, Bush chuckled and said, "Well, then let's get that Bam-Bam fella down there to turn her back, right? Heh, heh. He's a strong one in't he?" The president looked around and winked as Harriet Miers guffawed in the corner and sputtered, "Oh, Mr. President, you are just the funniest of the funniest and the bestest of the bestest!"

The people of Florida put their heads between their legs and kissed their asses goodbye.

Easy Joke

"Bruce & I are thinking of naming it Ashton."

Bono, How Could You?

"I've always wanted to meet a real rock star, and you're the biggest of them all."

"Well, thanks, Bono."

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Who the Fook Is John Hannah?

I want Karl Rove to go down, I'll even take Scooter Libby, but John Hannah? Who's he? It's not the same guy who played for the Patriots way back when, is it?

I suppose you have to go after the people that actually did things wrong, but if John Hannah ends up being the extent of this Valerie Plame deal, Blunderford will not be a happy camper. We all know Rove has his tentacles all over this sheet, and if they've woven a Web that spits him back out into the White House smelling like a rosy turd blossom, I'm going to heave up the pork 'n beans I enjoyed so much for lunch.

Now they're talking about Cheney resigning. That's more like it.

@ Brain and Eggs: "There have been rumors on the Internets for quite some time that Big Time Dick would pull the plug on himself and that the 2008 GOP heir apparent would assume the vice-presidency. Even with Dubya's loyalty to fealty, and the amount of sense this actually makes for Republican prospects of holding the White House for twelve years, I don't think Dr. James Dobson would allow a pro-choice African-American female to be promoted. Now... Rick Santorum? More like that.

@ d-day: "Hannah was mentioned in Joseph Wilson's memoir as the perfect patsy, a guy who could do the dirty work so the big boys could keep their hands clean. If he's flipped we're in for a wild ride."

@ The Strata-Sphere: "If the democrats thought going after Clinton in peace time hurt the reps - boy wait until they see what happens if they go after Bush and Cheney during a time of war on this silliness. Let’s hope Fitzgerald is a truly serious prosecutor and not out to become the champion of the lunatic left."

@ Church of the Front Porch: "What sweet irony that a creep on loan to Cheney from Bush's best pal John Bolton may bring down the House of Bush."

Underpants and Running Shoes

There's a reason sex is generally done in darkened rooms.

Get a Room!

George Bush Sr. and Barbara Bush make out at the Houston Astros / St. Louis Cardinals game, which was soon called off due to stadium-wise sickness.

I Thought You Were Blondie

Tommy Hilfiger prepares to audition for the next Planet of the Apes movie by taking a bite out of Debbie Harry. One way or another, he's gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha...

Monday, October 17, 2005

Rocky 6: Fetch Me My Glasses

Sylvester Stallone announced today that he will reprise his role as underdog boxer Rocky Balboa in Rocky 6. Thoughtfully titled "Rocky Balboa," the film will give a few nods to Rocky's advanced age, including:

  • The main fight of the film will be a verbal boxing match with Balboa's wife Adrian over a Scrabble game, in which Adrian insists that "yo" is not a real word and that Rocky must take back his triple word score.
  • Rocky brooding over his troubles while enjoying his favorite hobbies of gardening and Internet porn.
  • An ongoing gag in which Rocky awakens repeatedly during the night to pee, due to an enlarged prostate.
  • Rocky Junior (played by David Spade) graduates from college with a degree in product design and creates a revolutionary weightless boxing glove. Rocky serves as the glove's celebrity spokesperson.

In a moving final scene, Rocky will confess to Adrian that he is illiterate after unsuccessfully attempting to read the memoirs of "that Fantasia chick" from American Idol.

Pass the popcorn.

Friday, October 14, 2005

So, Have We Lifted Them Out of Poverty Yet?

For all of you who got all worked up about my early September posts on Katrina, go read E. J. Dionne today and think about if anything's really going to change for poor people in this country.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Pimpin Ain't Easy

"Come any closer and my pimp will kill you."

I Think His Brains Are Leaking

Despite the fact that I use much of my blog space ogling women and posting pictures of Siamese twins, this editorial makes me believe I am overqualified to be a columnist at a major newspaper.
Richard Cohen (and I'll refrain from calling him "Dick") has obviously spent so much time going to D.C. cocktail parties and enjoying the fawning of the political elite who hope he'll write something nice about them (and would have no use for Cohen otherwise), that he is now attacking the special prosecutor in that CIA spy leak thingie, telling him, "Hey, bunshole, we commit petty crime here in Washington all the time. You're from Chicago, you should be used to that with your politicians. Go after someone who really needs to be brought to justice, like Hillary Clinton. Did you hear she and Slick Willie offed Vince Foster?"

And Cohen gets all sniffie about the fact that Fitzgerald won't talk to him, won't tell him absolutely anything -- Does he know I'm Richard Cohen? This is an outrage!

If you buttskins in the middle of the action can't figure out where your priorities should be as watchdogs of the government, then step aside and let the Blunderfords of the world run your paper. We'll work a lot harder and offer a lot more pictures of Natalie Glebova in a bikini.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The Real Reason Republicans Win All the Elections

Former Arkansas state rep Jim Bob Duggar (you read correct, Jim Bob Duggar) shows off his brood of GOP loyalists in Rogers, Arkansas. Jim Bob and Michelle birthed their 16th child, and may have more if they can think up any more names that start with "J", having already cursed one child with the name Jinger but so far not utilizing their secret weapon... Jim Bob Jr.

Michelle released a statement calling on all feminists to spend the years from 21 to 41 birthing babies, but suggested stopping "if y'all's grandbabies are older than your very own babies."

@ A Stitch In Haste: "The first thought that crossed my mind was how the prolific couple plan to adequately finance sixteen college education funds. Then I remembered: they're from Arkansas."

@ Tomorrow Yesterday: "Just imagine if their 16 kids then had 16 kids each. That'd be 256 kids. The exponential effect could be crazy."

Demi Moore Killing Ashton's Mojo

It took a while to take down Bruce Willis, but, as this reception photo proves, Demi Moore has already turned Ashton Kutcher into a complete nerd.

@ Space Monkey X: "I hate anyone who actually gave a shit if they were married or not."

@ Conversations About Famous People: "Did Ashton really sing Mambo Number 5 at the reception?" (Check out the pics at their site and that will make so much more sense.)

Steve Jobs Introduces Biggest iPod Ever

Steve Jobs explains the theory behind the new 1000-inch Ipod Video: "We said, hell, we're not going to get any smaller than the Nano, so let's go big, baby! I can barely keep this on my shoulders. I'm gonna topple any minute now."

@ Frank-Ly Rhinofly: "de video iPod is er!"

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Light Traffic

"Don't worry. I go this way all the time."

We're Fighting Smurfs Over There So We Won't Have to Fight Them Here

Proving that anything goes when you want to raise money, UNICEF is using shell-shocked maimed Smurfs to show that war is hell.

Bombs falling, Smurf bodies thrown here and there, Smurfette dead, fires raging all around, and Baby Smurf crying in the foreground, all to back UNICEF's fund-raising efforts for ex-child soldiers in Africa.

This is all happening in Belgum by the way, so you won't get to see it. Sorry.

"It's working. We are getting a lot of reactions and people are logging on to our Web site," UNICEF Belgium spokesman Philippe Henon said Tuesday.

Well, I like reactions and people logging on to my Web site, but I don't bomb Smurfs to get attention. (Of course I've written a few things that not everyone approves of, but that's another story.)

To be honest, I don't think seeing Smurfs go blammo is going to make people realize the horrors of war and work to stop them. More likely, people are going to laugh. They're going to make fun of it. They're going to get copies of the ad and superimpose George W. Bush's face on Baby Smurf. To a new generation, this will be their first introduction to Papa Smurf.

This is going to blow up in their faces. So to speak.

UPDATE: Already wishing I had titled this post "You're Next, Big Bird"

@ D listed: "Look at Smurfette! She is in exactly the same pose, I was in last Friday night!"

Monday, October 10, 2005

Antonin Scalia, Grand Wizard

Oh, my bad, that says Grand Marshall.

Britney's Bra

Britney Spears had to pull her jewel-crusty bra off the eBay charity auction for Katrina victims, because she was "concerned that some of you might be confusing this bra with something that it's not."

It now appears that the bra is really that of Shar Jackson, the mother of Kevin Federline's one-year old child, not of Britney Spears, mother of his weeks old child.

"It's totally my fault, man. I got confused," said Federline. "Who's my wife again?"

Eva Longoria

I have nothing to say about this. I just like seeing her on my blog. It's like we're friends or lovers or something (he said with a creepy grin on his face).

Friday, October 07, 2005

Biel Named Sexiest Woman Alive; Blunderford Takes Male Honors

Jessica Biel was named Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire magazine in a paparazzi-filled ceremony yesterday.

In a related ceremony held in a low-lit basement hallway, the World's Sexiest Man title was bestowed upon... Blunderford!!!

I'd like to thank Esquire for recognizing me, so few do these days, or at least few are willing to admit it. I'd also like to ask Jessica if she is free tomorrow night.

He Blinded Me With Science

I used to find science boring in school. Then came fake dog balls:

Gregg Miller mortgaged his home and maxed out his credit cards to mass produce his invention — prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs.
They're called "Neuticles," and he's now sold over 150,000 of them.

This is my favorite paragraph:

What started 10 years ago with an experiment on an unwitting Rottweiler named Max has turned into a thriving mail-order business.
But this sentence isn't far behind:

The silicone implants come in different sizes, shapes, weights and degrees of firmness.
If you'd like to see a diagram of Neuticles, go here.

I'm all for inventions that improve lives, and the dogs may have more of a spring in their step with these nutty nuts, but the inventor himself troubles me.

You'd have to imagine there was a bit of trial and error in figuring out how to make these things work, so no doubt hours upon hours were spent grabbing at the dog's groin, which may have been pleasant for the canine but isn't an image I like to carry in my head.

Second, this is a mail-order business. Do the Neuticles come in a box with a lot of that packing popcorn around them? And one has to presume there are directions to install the Neuticles:

Step One: Grab the dog's penis gently. (NOTE: Dog may bite you, or coo softly.)

Step Two: Make a small incision at base of dog's penis; See Figure 1. (NOTE: Dog WILL bite you.)

Step Three: Push Neuticles up into the cavity you have created, then sew the incision closed with fishing line or whatever else you have lying around.

(NOTE: If you have trouble with these steps, have a trained veterinarian perform this procedure. If you had read the directions first, you would have done this before the dog bit off your left pinkie, but you men are all the same.)

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Sweet, Sweet Diane

"Blunderford, please stay in your seat. Didn't you read the restraining order?"

I Just Thought of Something...

"Do you know me? I've been a special prosecutor but still I'm unfamiliar to people other than Scooter and Turd Blossom. That's why I carry the American Express card."

Karl Rove is scared.

Why else would he testify to Patrick Fitzgerald again? Did he just remember something he forgot earlier, something that slipped his mind?

ROVE: "Funny thing, Mr. Fitzgerald, but I suddenly remember a very interesting conversation I had with Bill Clinton, Al Franken and Maureen Dowd..."

Fitzgerald's already told Rove that new testimony won't stop a possible indictment. I'm practically crapping my gym shorts in anticipation of seeing these buttskins go down in flames.

@ d-day: "My guess is that Rove is singing in the key of Cheney (which of course would mean going after Scooter Libby, the Veep's chief of staff). It's speculation, but the two men are at competing centers of power in the Bush Administration. Cheney leds the neocon, PNAC group, whereas Rove is a "power at all costs" guy without as much of an ideological cast. These are two big egos with the ear of the President. I don't think it's an accident that this story about the spy in the VP's office has come out."

@ Whatever: "Lawrence O'Donnell, who first broke Rove as Cooper's source, predicts 'at least three high level Bush Administration personnel indicted and possibly one or more very high level unindicted co-conspirators.' Who wouldn't you indict in the conspiracy at a "very high level?" Maybe some folks whose titles end in "esident?"

Cheney vs. Burmese Python

"You guys hear about that python ate the alligator? I could take 'im."

Is This Some Kind of A Joke?

"If you see a hairy guy making a face like this, that there's a terraist."

Here's the transcript from King Bush's "major" speech delivered today.

The AP covered the speech by using this headline:

Bush: Radicals Seek to Intimidate World

Perhaps the more appropriate headline would have been:

Bush, Radicals Seek to Intimidate World.

@ A Beginner's Mind: "Perhaps the President had better take a closer look at some of the real, closer-to-home radicals opposing the American way of life and the ideology they espouse."

@ Over A Candle: "I don’t recall seeing ’sacrifice’ mean raising taxes and repealing tax cuts. So the only sacrifices being made are by the poor who are watching their government services dwindle to nothing and their sons and daughters dying, and by all of us in terms of freedoms loss."

@ Atlas Shrugs, much excitement: President Bush Historical Speech Calls for Total War on Islamo-fascism (Transcript and Video) "You must see the President's speech on the GWOT - or as I see it - GWORI - The global war on Radical Islamofascism (yes yes he finally said it), you must understand the strategy and why we are doing what we are doing."

Mmm, mmm, mmm

I'd kiss her ass, too.

I meant to say "Go Down on a Muffin"

Howard Dean was on Hardball with Chris Matthews last night and here's what he had to say (from The Fix):

"I think with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, you can't play, you know, hide the salami, or whatever it's called."

And some of you didn't want him for President...

@ Transterrestrial Musings: "Howard Dean. The gift that just keeps on giving."

@ Franklog: "Howard Dean: The only man in America who would Freudian slip "Hide the Salami" when thinking about Harriet Miers."

@ It's Recess-Time Somewhere: "Does he realize the visual images he just put into the heads of all the nice unsuspecting Hardball watchers out there? Does he realize they just might need therapy or at least economy size bottles of brain sanitizer?"

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

OMG! Tom Cruise and Katie Homes... Expecting!

Oh my goodness, I don't know if I can take it. First Demi & Ashton, now this:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting a baby. Holmes' pregnancy was reported Wednesday by People magazine. The couple have been dating since April and became engaged in June.

"Tom and Katie are very excited, and the entire family is very excited," Lee Anne Devette, Cruise's spokeswoman, told People.
How could they NOT be excited???? This is going to be like some kind of super baby, all teeth and good hair and rippling tummy muscles. It could be short like Tom, sure, but it could be tall like Katie, too!

And this baby boy (I know it could be a girl, but I guess I'm old-fashioned and think boy babies are better) is going to so rich that Paris Hilton is going to swoop right in on him and take him to all the most important parties, especially if Tom & Katie don't get crazy and name him something like Perez that would threaten Paris's sense of self.

Oh the lives of celebrities are too good! I can barely think! Thank God for them!

@ The Spotlight: "Now that Tom has inseminated Katie with his alien, "science" child, her future's looking pretty grim."

Blunderford Caption Contest

Best caption wins a date with Blunderford. Or, if you prefer, nothing.

I'm So Full I Think I'm Going to Blow Up

This Burmese python tried to eat this living alligator and blew up. I can't even tell what's what in this picture, perhaps a result of that blowing up thing.

Python, Shmython

"That's nothing, baby. I once swallowed a whole elephant."

Lesbian Mannequins Are So Hot

Victoria's Secret knows how to get me going: mannequins baring all, and more..

"Little Shop of Whores," huffed one woman standing outside the new Victoria's Secret in Tysons Corner Center. "Slut wear," declared the father of a teenage girl, looking at a feathery-thong-clad mannequin bent over as if she were adjusting her spike heels.

"I love it," said another woman with a bag of fresh purchases.
Hell, yes, I love it, too. Those mannequin babes, with their perfect breasts and shapely hips and thighs, scantily clad, making me beg to see their plastic nipples.

Well," said Steina Rubin of Bethesda, "I find it just totally disgusting." And, no, she would not be shopping there. "I'm not entering a whorehouse," she said. "I come to the mall with my daughter. It's disgusting. And I'm from Europe!"
Oh, Stella, honey, methinks thou do protest too much!

Inside the store was a display of one scantily clad female mannequin crawling toward another who reclined on a left hip and leaned back on both hands.
Lesbian mannequins???!!! Oh, my God, I could cry at the beauty of it. And that mall is just around the corner from me! How am I going to get any work done, knowing those fake beauties are just minutes away, crawling toward each other, to touch each other's smooth as stone genitals?

I'm going to have to complain to store management. I can't have this kind of distraction.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Your Back Will Feel A Whole Lot Better When I'm Riding You Like A Wild Stallion, You Freaky Mama!

Doctor sued for sex treatment for back pain

Hmmm. Now I'm questioning whether I really needed to give my doctor that blowjob to cure my sinus infection.

What Is God's Plan?

They say there's a reason for everything, that we can't question God's wisdom. Well, sorry, God, but WTF is up with this?

Germans Hand Out Geek Awards

Your winner is at left.

MonkeyHead Speaks!

Bushie took a few questions today. This answer annoys the heck out of me:

"We're making good progress in Iraq, and Iraq is a part of the war on terror. That's what the American people need to understand."

First off, with the current pace of progress, Iraq will be stable in the year 2155. Second, the American people understand that Iraq is part of the war on terror because YOU made it part of that war, buttskin.

Bush also got all excited about the avian flu. You could tell he got a briefing right beforehand and he couldn't wait to show off:

"I am concerned about avian flu. I'm concerned about what an avian flu outbreak could mean for the United States and the world. I have thought through the scenarios of what an avian flu outbreak could mean. I tried to get a better handle on what the decision-making process would be by reading Mr. Barry's book on the influenza outbreak in 1918. I would recommend it."

Such the eager beaver.

A scary thought on Harriet Miers:

"She knows exactly the kind of judge I'm looking for. And I know exactly the kind of judge she'll be."

Monday, October 03, 2005

Poor William Shatner

Getting old's a bitch, isn't it, Bill?

This Ain't the Freakin' Dalai Lama

Our esteemed leader, George W. Bush, has nominated his former staff secretary and current White House Counsel Harriet Miers to be the next Supreme Court nominee.

(In related news, Bush has nominated his cat Willie to be Deputy Secretary of the Interior, since no one knows what the hell that means anyway. Bush thought it would be a shortcut to have someone that already had that "ie" on the end of his name so he wouldn't have to think so hard about a nickname, like he did with that Mike Brown fella.)

I thought it a tad strange when this John Roberts guy popped up out of nowhere, but, hey, I'm no expert on the Who's Who in American Jurisprudence, and I kind of dig that permafrost wife of his. I think she's sexy. But still, it was a little unsettling that he had so little track record to go on in figuring out his judging style.

But John Roberts was like Robin Williams at his most annoying in comparison to dear Harriet. John Roberts at least had a few jokes and mean statements about Girl Scouts. Harriet Miers is like the Dalai Lama of Supreme Court justices, plucked from obscurity to lead the people by divine right. Her most telling quote might be that George W. Bush is the most brilliant man she knows.

I'm aware that past Supreme Court justices have not been judges previously, but this isn't William Howard Taft taking over (and thank goodness for that, but still). You'd expect some sort of track record beyond being part of W.'s posse.

Harry Reid, obviously still suffering the aftereffects of that stroke, seems delighted with Miers. Hopefully the other Dems will spend a little more time grilling her than they did John Roberts. Otherwise I suggest they tell Harriet to make like the Dalai Lama and get the hell out of Tibet.

Nicole Ritchie Channels Dinah Shore

I know, I know, you don't know who Dinah Shore is. Or maybe who Nicole Ritchie is. One of the two.

I'll kiss Bush's butt for $240,000, too.

Armstrong Willians says he may return the money he got for shilling for George Bush's education laws.

Why? Because he says he didn't do it, and so he didn't earn the money.

Of course it appears he didn't consider "negotiating" until it was spelled out that the whole scheme was completely illegal.

I don't know why he's returning it, though. It might be illegal for the government to bribe broadcasters to talk up their laws, but I'm not so sure it's illegal to take the money. And since Williams' station made a point of detailing 168 different times he talked about the wonders of No Child Left Behind, it appears Williams deserves his cash.

I'm sure none of that came from any of my tax money anyway.

Come on, Eileen, Too-Rye-Ay

With you in that dress my thoughts I confess/
Verge on dirty/
Ah come on Eileen