Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Mariah Carey's Boobs Should Stay In Their Cave

That's not even attractive. This is like seeing my mom's boobs.

Monday, November 14, 2005

You Won't Be Able to Set My Curfew When You're Dead

Parents, the stakes have been raised!

It used to be that your children would simply hate you throughout their teen years while you struggled to keep them from becoming complete animals and/or mothering/fathering children as a result of having sex in your rumpus room, also known as the humpus room.

It used to be that you fathers scared away particularly skeezy boy suitors through glowering looks and by reducing communication to surly grunts.

Wise up, Mom and Dad! Your old-school parenting style can now get you killed.

Just ask Michael and Cathryn Borden. Well, you can't, actually -- they're dead. Maybe you could ask David Ludwig and Kara Beth Borden instead. Young Kara comes home late at age 14, gets in trouble from Mom and Dad, and her 18-year-old secret boyfriend says, "I'm going to shoot that mother... And that father, too."

So he offs them and takes Kara on a ride that may or may not be forced, to Indiana, where three straight hours of cornfields and cop chases finally ends in the twisted Romeo and Juliet smashing into a tree.

Don't want it to happen to you? Yours truly is here to help, with Blunderford's 7 How-To-Stay-Alive Parenting Commandments:

1. Don't mouth off to your children.

2. Share. Leave your wallet open on the kitchen counter -- this is a family, not a dictatorship!

3. No comments about children's clothing. Exposed vaginas are in this year, so keep your trap shut about it. Maybe your prissy little mini-skirts will come back again, but don't count on it.

4. Pay the kids' cell phone bills promptly. Nothing pisses them off more than their cellie being cut off.

5. Pretend not to notice when you overhear your teen's conversations about threesomes or "friends with benefits."

6. Put in a swimming pool, for God's sake!

7. Be flexible! Add more rules to this list based on your child's individual demands.

@ Psych Central: links to the blogs and Web pages of Ludwig and Borden.

Ozzie Guillen Comes Out of the Closet

"They think I'm crazy, but I'm just crazy in love."

Janet Jackson Comes Clean on Mystery Child

Janet Jackson and her ex-husband Sherman Klump were all smiles today at a hastily-arranged press conference. Jackson admitted that the short-lived relationship between she and Klump had produced a daughter, Cletus.

Hello Dalai

On tour with the Dalai Lama...

"I'm opening a can of whoop-ass on the next one of you jokers that screams for 'Freebird.'"

Monday, November 07, 2005

Gen Yers Gaze At Their Navels and Like What They See

USA Today has an article about "Generation Y" hitting the workplace. As you might guess, the reporter and a handful of Gen Yers themselves describe this new generation of workers as a bunch of spoiled brats who are going to change the world, so the old fart dinosaurs should just hand over the keys to the castle.

"Get ready, because this generation — whose members have not yet hit 30 — is different from any that have come before."
Uh, huh.

This age group is moving into the labor force during a time of major demographic change, as companies around the USA face an aging workforce. Sixty-year-olds are working beside 20-year-olds.
Holy crap! Never before in history have old people worked with young people! And 60 is ancient. I thought you had to retire at 42!!??

"Generation Y is much less likely to respond to the traditional command-and-control type of management still popular in much of today's workforce," says Jordan Kaplan, an associate managerial science professor at Long Island University-Brooklyn in New York.
Gimme a break. If the economy was good, like it was about 5 years back, Gen Y could get all proud and sassy, but right now if they want to keep a job, they'll learn to handle the "command-and-control" workplace just fine. Assuming they're not still being bankrolled by their parents that is.

Here's my favorite line of this annoying article:

"They're like Generation X on steroids."
Every paper in the country is going to do an annoying profile on the Gen Yers soon -- hell, they've been waiting to do it ever since the Gen Xers got too old and started acting too much like normal adults to be called slackers anymore. It's low-hanging fruit. Make a bunch of generalizations about a "generation" (and I'm not sure who gets to decide when a generation starts and stops), write a story about how they're so very different from the last generation, and then don't talk much more about it because in a few years they won't be that much different than the previous generation.

Yes, younger workers are always going to be different than older ones, and the difference will magnify the greater the generation gap between two individuals. But to act as if a "young, smart, brash" generation is swarming the workplace, wearing "flip-flops to the office" or listening "to iPods at their desk" and turning the business world upside down is ridiculous.

It was this we're-so-different-and-clever-and-fresh attitude that helped dot-coms collapse under the weight of their foosball tables and unworkable business plans. I'll believe in the new generational revolution when I see it.

chick time

I'm behind on my chicks. I can't be having photos of John McEnroe as the highlight of the blog. Here's some Latin Playboy chicks, thanks to your good friends at Reuters:

I like the last one the best. You?

Mechanical Turk Can Make You Rich!!!!!!!!!

So there's this new Mechanical Turk program from Amazon that has a bit of a buzz going. Here's how it works:

1. Software developers and others put up repetitive tasks that require almost no skill such as looking at pictures and telling if there is a blue car in the snapshot. Because a computer can't do this, someone has to, so that someone could be you. So far, the employers pay around 3 cents per "HIT" -- in my example, each picture you look at and correctly identify the presence of a blue car is a "HIT" that will net you three cents.

2. You get an hour to do as many as you can, at least to start. If you're really quick, you might make $5-7 in that hour, but you'll be working your buns off.

3. You die of boredom, or exhaustion, or a lethal mix of both.

For people unable to move because they weigh 700 pounds, this might be a good program. They can earn some money while not having to move (which they can't), so it's better than a job that requires them to move (which they can't). Otherwise, the program looks like it will work well only for people who are too stupid to do the math in their heads and figure out just how hard they would have to work to make even minimum wage.

And, of course it could work well for Amazon, who gets a cut somewhere in there.

Capitalism is an awesome thing. Throw in the words "artificial intelligence" and "make money" and you can get everyone over the age of two to wet their pants in amazement. (Those under two are wetting their pants as well, but they always do that.)

@ Rough Type: "Amazon's Mechanical Turk uses the capacity explicitly, turning people into a "human layer" in software." (And God knows we've all wanted to be software at one time or another, yes?)

@ The Speculist: "I knew it was just a matter of time before lazy, spoiled computers started palming work off on us. If I've said it once, I've said it a dozen times: this is what happens when you coddle them."

@ Squelly: "I could make between $4.50 and $5.00 an hour. w00t! So what’s the point? Why waste my time for near third-world wage? The tasks HAVE to come up in price/value for it to be worthwhile. It could be. Amazon COULD be the envelope-stuffing-work-from-home alternative for the unskilled with a computer…. ‘Cause there must be millions of thse folks waiting around."

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Rule 21: Kiss Bill Frist's Ass Or He Will Cry BooHooBooBoo

In Major League Baseball, Rule 21 basically states that it's not OK for a team or player to purposely lose.

When I first heard about the Democrats and Rule 21, I assumed they had broken this rule and were actually attempting to win something.

Holy crapoly! I was right!

Senate Rule 21:

1. On a motion made and seconded to close the doors of the Senate, on the discussion of any business which may, in the opinion of a Senator, require secrecy, the Presiding Officer shall direct the galleries to be cleared; and during the discussion of such motion the doors shall remain closed.

2. When the Senate meets in closed session, any applicable provisions of rules XXIX and XXXI, including the confidentiality of information shall apply to any information and to the conduct of any debate transacted.

Now, on the surface, invoking Rule 21 doesn't appear to be all that big of a deal. But the U.S. Senate is full of a bunch of aristocratic snobs who believe they are God's gift to America, and they get quite huffy if someone doesn't act genteel and proper or, of course, doesn't kiss Bill Frist's ass. (I've heard they even have For Senators Only signs over the morning donuts to remind the little people they are unworthy of fresh bakery.)

So Harry Reid gets up and says he wants to use Rule 21 to close the Senate doors, chase out the media and assorted lackeys, and talk about what the fook is up with this supposed report on how the fook we got into Iraq when every single person with any power knew full well that it was bullsheets and went along with it anyway. Covering up Scooter Libby's lying ass with a new Supreme Court justice named Scalito was a tricky move, but Reid wasn't having it.

Oh, how Willie Frist carried on! He couldn't believe the audacity, the sheer ballsiness of using the dreaded Rule 21 without Reid telling him it was coming! Using the rules to get important questions answered is simply not done in the U.S. Senate! How can Bill Frist ever trust Harry Reid again, despite the fact he couldn't give a rat's ass what loser-party Harry Reid has to say anyway?

All this B.S. is just theatrics, of course, but the media jumped all over it, because they've got a lot of space to fill and people like fights, even if they can't understand what the fook the fight is about. If Harry Reid made them dim the lights in the Senate and Bill Frist wet his trousers over it, that's news, baby!

In the end, it doesn't mean crap, but it's good to see some fight in the Democratic dog, even if it's mostly of the yappy poodle variety.

@ Waveflux: "All those awful goings-on in the Senate yesterday gave Missouri's Kit Bond a tummy-ache: 'Republicans are outraged,' Sen. Christopher Bond (R-Mo.) reported. "I just ate lunch, and it's upset my stomach.' Bond's gut is calm enough when he's voting to support torture. Funny, isn't it?"

@ The Arizona Eclectic: "Isn't it interesting how Republicans can dish out the criticism (often, if not always, lies) but if a Democrat does something perfectily legal and straight forward that a Repug doesn't like -- watch out. Out comes the tantrum (like with Fristy-baby's reaction to the use of Rule 21)"

@ Culture Freak: "Who would have guessed that Harry Reid would grow a pair and catch Bill Frist and the GOP off guard, let alone make them cry like little girls?"

@ The Ostroy Report: "it's a bold message to the GOP that we'll no longer lie down and let it run the country recklessly and without accountability and public scrutiny."

@ Right from Left: "Reid and his grumpy band of whiners made themselves look ridiculous yet again."

Best Halloween Costume You Will Ever See

John McEnroe as his younger self.

Mocking the Avian Flu

This guy's just asking for it.