Thursday, December 29, 2005

Bush Team Rethinks Its Plan for Recovery

It's been a rough year for George W. Bush. But it appears the Bush team has the winning strategy to turn things around in 2006.

The list:

1. Blame Howard Dean.

2. Dismiss spying scandal by reminding Americans we're "only eavesdropping on the A-rabs."

3. Indict Patrick Fitzgerald.

4. Rename Iraq and get the hell out while everyone's busy putting up the "Welcome to West Iran" signs

5. Stop talking out of our asses.

Just Like God Made Her

Tori Spelling would like nothing better than for you to believe those are her natural breasts.

This Reminds Me of My Wife

A fish with two mouths.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Shocker: New Yorkers Hit Each Other During Transit Strike

Poor old New Yorkers. The trains don't run and they act like it's the end of the world:

"It makes you confused," said Sera Hargrevas, an interior designer who figured she would walk 150 blocks before the day was done. "I can't deal with anything else but walking right now. Everything is so crowded. People are so angry -- they are hitting you and they don't even apologize. . . . I'm a little tense."
In my experience, New Yorkers regularly hit you and don't apologize--don't blame the transit strike.

"I spent the last two hours walking and the first 30 minutes trying to figure out how to get there," Profumo said Tuesday afternoon as he reached the halfway point. "I had to ask somebody where Broadway was -- and I grew up here."
I should give this guy a break, because he's only 16, but I won't because that's the kind of person I am. If you grew up in the damn city, figure out the local geography instead of putting it all in the hands of transit workers to get you where you're going. What do you do when the lights go out? Curse the electric company workers or go get a flashlight for God's sake?

Some judge is fining the transit workers a million dollars a day because it's illegal for public employees to strike. That'll help get things resolved. Did you think they didn't know it was "illegal," judge? You've got a transit strike because the transit workers obviously decided it was the only way to get some leverage and get treated better. If it's illegal to strike when you can't get a contract, what's the point of having a union in the first place?

News flash, New Yorkers: your city is not the center of the universe, and each one of you is not the center of the universe, either, though in my experience most of you believe otherwise. Things are tough all over. Maybe you should call up the mayor and tell him to give the workers what they want instead of making them look like the bad guys -- or would it be too much trouble to switch off your iPod or stop obsessively checking your BlackBerry?

Put on your hat and your gloves and start walking.

@ Metroblogging NYC: "All in all another day starts at work. There is 100 % attendance, and people in our office come from everywhere.....all the 5 boros and from Jersey and Conneticut. All in. Thats the NYC spirit. Fuck the subway !!"

@ David Ippolito: "(It's really, really tough to pick a side to root for, or against, in this one, isn't it?)"

@ Moonbattery: "This crisis could actually be a great opportunity for the city, allowing it to put an end to the transit union shakedown cycle. New York needs to strike a blow against moonbattery by firing the bums immediately."

@ Suburban Guerilla: "It always amazes me that so-called liberals are so indifferent ā€“ or hostile ā€“ to strikers."

@ Now What?: "I honestly think this strike is happening because they know Iā€™m out of birth control and I seriously need to see my doctor."

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Who is this Kate Beckinsale?

I don't know who she is, but I can surely imagine myself licking that left shoulder and perhaps even down into the armpit.

Keira Knightley, Young Enough to Be My Daughter, So What's Your Point?

"Blunderford, your back's not nearly as hairy as you said. Get on over here."

Charlize Theron, Weary Miner

Yeah, Charlize, we almost believe you're a miner. It's going to take more than a chick mullet to convince us.