I've always been one for self-improvement, and as the year rolled over and I looked at the hairy fat that has rolled over the top of my jeans, I decided I needed to make some resolutions for the new year. 2006 is the year that everything changes for Blunderford, when I will be a better man, and the world will grow to love me.
So, without further adieu, or ado, or however you spell that, Blunderford's New Year's Resolutions 2006:
1. Stop imitating Asian people.
2. Buy something from Victoria's Secret to get back on their catalog mailing list.
3. Reduce drinking to one six-pack per day.
4. Buy a little rock with the engraving "Peace" or "Let it go" or some other stupid saying designed to bring me inner calm.
5. Go down to the Army recruiting station and see if they're hard up enough to take a 235-lb., 42-year-old guy with a hairy back, poor eyesight and slow motor skills.
6. If #5 fails, consider seeking some other form of employment.
7. See about splicing my neighbor's cable. I've been too lazy on this one, I hear it's really easy.
8. Grow my own marijuana instead of being bilked by that motherfu**er Victor. You know you've been gouging me, Victor!
9. Be more open-minded. See #10 for an example.
10. Put something up my ass. Maybe those gay guys know something I don't. It would be wrong to die without finding out at least once.
Feel free to steal any of these resolutions for your own 2006 makeover. And please do let me know of anything you feel might help me become a better person in the new year.