Tuesday, January 31, 2006

She's Not My Mom

O.K., here's the deal -- when you're talking to me about your mother, please refer to her as "my mother" or "my mom" but not simply as "Mom". She's not my mom, she's your mom, and she has a proper name, so don't just say "Mom" when referring to her.

It drives me up a fooking wall when you do that.

I Give Up, Lindsay!

I resisted her for a while, but I'm giving in.

Kristin Chenoweth


A couple things...

Overread: "I've also discovered that the sandwiches from Quizno's are seemingly marinated in salt, then rolled around in salt, then buttered and covered in a salt glaze."

I wish every bull got a chance to do this before entering the bullring.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Hooray! More Pubes from PETA!

I'm all for PETA most of the time. I like animals and all. But these demonstrations baffle me -- I couldn't care less what they're talking about, I just spend my time looking at the bodies and trying to spot pubic hair, which I can in this shot, yee haba! Also, this demonstration is in Barcelona, Spain, yet the sign is in English, so no one around can read it. They must have known that Blunderford can't resist the pubes and would put it on his blog.

what i've seen today

Kanye West as Jesus Christ.

UPN and WB combining to form a bigger network that no one will watch. (The Comics Fan: "I wonder, though, whether the end of WB will throw cold water on an Aquaman series that’s being developed by the guys who created 'Smallville.'" I think we're all wondering about that.)

Man Has Cardiac Arrest at Cardiologist Ball

A guy bit a passenger and then jumped out of the moving plane onto the tarmac. Troy Rigby's 15 minutes of fame.

White House says gas prices still too high. Friggin geniuses running this place.

Maria Sharapova squealing and grunting may be illegal, but enjoyed by men everywhere.

Al Gore is promising to bore us all to death with another book.

Russia says British used rock to spy. I think this happens at Epcot Center as well, but I have no proof.

Monday, January 23, 2006

George W. Bush dogged by Pakistanis

It is unclear exactly what breed of terrior Bush is, but it is definitely a big one.

How Many Feet in a Meter, How Many Quarts In a Gallon

Every so often you need to know certain measurement information that is practically impossible to remember unless you are a goob who likes math. I know you're not, so you need help.

Below is Blunderford's guide to common measurement conversions. Feel free to thank me or let me know of other measurements you often forget in the comments below...

  • How many feet in a meter? There are 3.28084 feet in a meter, there are 3 feet in a yard. This is why yards are superior to meters.
  • How many cups in a pint? Two
  • How many pints in a quart? Two.
  • How many cups in a quart? Four.
  • How many quarts in a liter? 1.05669 US quarts. That two liter soda is actually more than two quarts -- it would be like a bonus if that last glass in the bottle wasn't always completely flat.
  • How many quarts in a gallon? There are 4 quarts in a gallon.
  • How many pounds in a ton? 2000.
  • How many feet in a mile? 5,280.
  • How many meters in a mile? Roughly 1609.34. I've never known anyone who actually needed this measurement, but what the hell I thought, throw it in there.
  • How many yards in a mile? 1760, a nice round number that again proves the superiority of the yard versus the meter or any other metric B.S.
  • How many teaspoons in a tablespoon? 3. I always think it's two, which explains the taste of the blueberry muffins I'm always whipping up.
  • How many ounces in a cup? 8 fluid ounces.
  • How many ounces in a gallon? 128 ounces.
  • How many ounces in a pound? 16 ounces. The ounces thing always trips me up, and if you look at the word "ounces" for too long, it's hard to believe it's a real word or you start to think you must have spelled it wrong.
  • How many ounces in a ton? 32,000.
  • How many times are they gonna give Jenna Elfman her own show before understanding we don't like her? Four.
  • How many more days until George W. Bush is out of office? Don't get me started, pal.
  • How many old Vince Vaughans in the new Vince Vaughan? Two. (This would have been funnier if I'd spelled his name right. It's actually Vince Vaughn.)
  • How many Halle Berrys in one of Aretha Franklin's breasts? 3.4.

I could do this forever.

Fabiana Bertoldi

I don't know why everyone's looking for her, but here's a look at Fabiana Bertoldi. She looks good, yes.

Friday, January 13, 2006

How to Cure Depression

Feeling depressed? Bush still in the White House, Alito partying like it's 1949, you got in a fight with that lady in the supermarket who cut you off in line, etc.?

I hate to be a Johnny-Come-Lately, but the answer to beating depression has been under our noses all the time:

How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Monday, January 02, 2006

Resolutions for the New Year

I've always been one for self-improvement, and as the year rolled over and I looked at the hairy fat that has rolled over the top of my jeans, I decided I needed to make some resolutions for the new year. 2006 is the year that everything changes for Blunderford, when I will be a better man, and the world will grow to love me.

So, without further adieu, or ado, or however you spell that, Blunderford's New Year's Resolutions 2006:

1. Stop imitating Asian people.

2. Buy something from Victoria's Secret to get back on their catalog mailing list.

3. Reduce drinking to one six-pack per day.

4. Buy a little rock with the engraving "Peace" or "Let it go" or some other stupid saying designed to bring me inner calm.

5. Go down to the Army recruiting station and see if they're hard up enough to take a 235-lb., 42-year-old guy with a hairy back, poor eyesight and slow motor skills.

6. If #5 fails, consider seeking some other form of employment.

7. See about splicing my neighbor's cable. I've been too lazy on this one, I hear it's really easy.

8. Grow my own marijuana instead of being bilked by that motherfu**er Victor. You know you've been gouging me, Victor!

9. Be more open-minded. See #10 for an example.

10. Put something up my ass. Maybe those gay guys know something I don't. It would be wrong to die without finding out at least once.

Feel free to steal any of these resolutions for your own 2006 makeover. And please do let me know of anything you feel might help me become a better person in the new year.

Tom Jones Electrocuted!

Early yesterday a short in the microphone caused famed crooner Tom Jones to be electrocuted during his New Year's Day show at the Purple People Casino in Bloomtown, Indiana. Female guests who have become used to such displays in the past showered him with panties and the occasional girdle. Jones lay moaning for 17 minutes before anyone realized electrocution was not part of the act.

George Bush Sr. Deflating!

"I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. Everyone has to deflate sometime. I've had a long, great life and I'm planning on sticking around until the very last bit of air goes out the top of my head."