Blunderford

I've been meaning to post

2006-03-24T13:48:00.000-08:00

but, you know, things happen. I'm hoping to post again someday. Not sure when or if that's going to happen. I'm just a cranky old fart, anyway, what am I really adding positive by talking sheets on this blog? Not much, really, so I don't know if I'll be back or not.

This blogging can be kind of fun, but damn if it's not a time waster. We all only have so many hours and minutes to live, and you have to think hard about whether posting pictures of hot chicks and railing away about politics to an audience of people you don't know and can count on one hand is really a good way to spend your time.

If nothing else, I pissed off Michelle Malkin for one day, or more likely just provided fodder for her twisted view of the world, but that was fun. Not so much fun that I want to keep showing up day after day to do it, though.

So, we'll see. You may or may not hear from me again. The good thing about Blogger is, you can always change your mind.

If I don't return, know in your hearts that Ernest T. Blunderford will always be your friend. (Unless you're Republican.)

Feeling Funky and Perhaps Smelling Funky

2006-03-02T11:54:00.000-08:00

Next to "doesn't give a fook" in the dictionary is this picture.

Each Side of That Chin, Jay Baby

2006-03-02T11:52:00.000-08:00

Dolly Parton comes on to Jay Leno.

Yay! Lindsay Lohan's Boob!

2006-03-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

Here.

Picture Flush

2006-03-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

I've got a bunch of pictures I was going to add hilarious captions to, or pictures of hot women that want me, and I've been short on time. So here they all are:

No Wonder He Thought Brownie Was Doing A Helluva Job

2006-03-02T10:46:00.000-08:00

Ever heard the phrase that says "it's all relative"?

Sure Michael Brown wasn't so hot at his job and a lot of people died in Hurricane Katrina, but at least he seemed to realize what the fook a hurricane can do. The monkey-in-chief, on the other hand, sat there staring ahead and saying "we gotcha covered" in his confident cowboy tone that long ago stopped comforting anyone.

So it is any surprise that while he was lying about no one anticipating the breach of the levees he was secretly thinking to himself, "actually Brownie anticipated that. He's dune a helluva job."

Because, in comparison, Brownie was doing a helluva job.

@ WillBardwell: "Ironically, these new tapes seem to suggest that the only person on top of things was, of all people, former FEMA director Michael Brown."

@ The Reid Report: "Not that any of this will sway the dwindling cadre of die-hard Bushies, who apparently can find nothing that the president could do (or fail to do) that would cost him their absolute, prostrate allegiance. It's a bit sad, really, the way they hang on to the man..."

@ In From The Cold: "How was the President supposed to act? The image of the Commander in Chief running around like a chicken with its head chopped off is not the behavior we expect of a President--and it certainly wouldn't inspire confidence in senior aides and other officials who would make key decisions in the hours that followed. A panicked President would have sent exactly the wrong signal, and perhaps led to an even more disjointed response, as a sense of dread and fear spread throughout the ranks."

@ PC540: "Do you in fact think maybe Brown was the one who leaked this information to AP in an attempt to vindicate himself?"

@ Parrot Cage: "At this key moment of crisis, as preparations were engaged, the President didn't ask a single question of his advisers nor issue a single unique insight or recommendation. This is the Clarence Thomas School of Management. Opening his mouth doesn't exactly inspire confidence, but Bush rarely spares the public that disappointment."

Is Jimmy Carter Siding with the Terrorists?

2006-02-20T08:28:00.000-08:00

I love Jimmy Carter. He may be the greatest ex-president we've ever had. But Jimmy's talking out his glutes today in the Washington Post.

Carter's making the case that the U.S. & Israel should go easy on the Palestinians despite their electing the terrorists in Hamas to be their leaders. To see how crazy this is, all you have to do is read these sentences from one of Carter's first paragraphs, which presumably he wrote with a straight face (I added the bolding on the particularly-silly line):

Although Hamas won 74 of the 132 parliamentary seats, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas retains the right to propose and veto legislation, with 88 votes required to override his veto. With nine of its elected members remaining in prison, Hamas has only 65 votes, plus whatever third-party support it can attract.

So Jimmy is telling us that Hamas doesn't really have as much power as it might appear. Why? Because 9 of the people elected are in friggin' jail! Jimmy! They're in jail! We should sit back and be cool when the Palestinians are electing jailed criminals to be their leaders? Yes, I realize that 9 or more of our own country's elected leaders should be in jail, but generally not for murder (although Dick Cheney came close). That's a sign of bad judgement when you elect jailed terrorists to lead you, Jimmy.

The rest of the piece is fairly dry and boring, but one other line jumped out at me:

The election of Hamas candidates cannot adversely affect genuine peace talks, since such talks have been nonexistent for over five years.

So what are you saying, Jimmy? Since we haven't been able to get any peace anyway, what's the difference if the terrorists are in charge?

Jimmy, you're an agent of peace. But Hamas is not. Don't downplay what they're capable of.

@ Booman Tribune: "Nowhere is the schizophrenia of the Bush administration's attitude toward democracy more evident than in their decision to collude with Israel to deny Palestine with the funding they need (including their own honestly earned tariff revenues) to pay for basic services."

@ California Conservative: "It’s time to move this doddering old fool from the national stage and into a rest home somewhere that he won’t be a further embarassment to himself and where he can’t kiss up to all of the global tyrants, although there aren’t that many tyrants left that he hasn’t touted as great leaders."

@ Evil Bobby: "Hamas will surely gain funding from other, less peace minded, governments in the region, if they're cut off from all sources of money. Iran for one, will step up in an instant to completely fund Hamas."

@ Holy Coast: "Let us all pause for a moment and give thanks that Jimmuh and his like are no longer in positions of power in the United States."

She's Not My Mom

2006-01-31T08:57:00.000-08:00

O.K., here's the deal -- when you're talking to me about your mother, please refer to her as "my mother" or "my mom" but not simply as "Mom". She's not my mom, she's your mom, and she has a proper name, so don't just say "Mom" when referring to her.

It drives me up a fooking wall when you do that.

I Give Up, Lindsay!

2006-01-31T08:53:00.000-08:00

I resisted her for a while, but I'm giving in.

Kristin Chenoweth

2006-01-31T08:50:00.000-08:00

Indeed.

A couple things...

2006-01-31T08:35:00.000-08:00

Overread: "I've also discovered that the sandwiches from Quizno's are seemingly marinated in salt, then rolled around in salt, then buttered and covered in a salt glaze."

I wish every bull got a chance to do this before entering the bullring.

Hooray! More Pubes from PETA!

2006-01-24T12:41:00.000-08:00

I'm all for PETA most of the time. I like animals and all. But these demonstrations baffle me -- I couldn't care less what they're talking about, I just spend my time looking at the bodies and trying to spot pubic hair, which I can in this shot, yee haba! Also, this demonstration is in Barcelona, Spain, yet the sign is in English, so no one around can read it. They must have known that Blunderford can't resist the pubes and would put it on his blog.

what i've seen today

2006-01-24T12:13:00.000-08:00

Kanye West as Jesus Christ.

UPN and WB combining to form a bigger network that no one will watch. (The Comics Fan: "I wonder, though, whether the end of WB will throw cold water on an Aquaman series that’s being developed by the guys who created 'Smallville.'" I think we're all wondering about that.)

Man Has Cardiac Arrest at Cardiologist Ball

A guy bit a passenger and then jumped out of the moving plane onto the tarmac. Troy Rigby's 15 minutes of fame.

White House says gas prices still too high. Friggin geniuses running this place.

Maria Sharapova squealing and grunting may be illegal, but enjoyed by men everywhere.

Al Gore is promising to bore us all to death with another book.

Russia says British used rock to spy. I think this happens at Epcot Center as well, but I have no proof.

George W. Bush dogged by Pakistanis

2006-01-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

It is unclear exactly what breed of terrior Bush is, but it is definitely a big one.

How Many Feet in a Meter, How Many Quarts In a Gallon

2006-01-23T14:34:00.000-08:00

Every so often you need to know certain measurement information that is practically impossible to remember unless you are a goob who likes math. I know you're not, so you need help.

Below is Blunderford's guide to common measurement conversions. Feel free to thank me or let me know of other measurements you often forget in the comments below...

How many feet in a meter? There are 3.28084 feet in a meter, there are 3 feet in a yard. This is why yards are superior to meters.
How many cups in a pint? Two
How many pints in a quart? Two.
How many cups in a quart? Four.
How many quarts in a liter? 1.05669 US quarts. That two liter soda is actually more than two quarts -- it would be like a bonus if that last glass in the bottle wasn't always completely flat.
How many quarts in a gallon? There are 4 quarts in a gallon.
How many pounds in a ton? 2000.
How many feet in a mile? 5,280.
How many meters in a mile? Roughly 1609.34. I've never known anyone who actually needed this measurement, but what the hell I thought, throw it in there.
How many yards in a mile? 1760, a nice round number that again proves the superiority of the yard versus the meter or any other metric B.S.
How many teaspoons in a tablespoon? 3. I always think it's two, which explains the taste of the blueberry muffins I'm always whipping up.
How many ounces in a cup? 8 fluid ounces.
How many ounces in a gallon? 128 ounces.
How many ounces in a pound? 16 ounces. The ounces thing always trips me up, and if you look at the word "ounces" for too long, it's hard to believe it's a real word or you start to think you must have spelled it wrong.
How many ounces in a ton? 32,000.
How many times are they gonna give Jenna Elfman her own show before understanding we don't like her? Four.
How many more days until George W. Bush is out of office? Don't get me started, pal.
How many old Vince Vaughans in the new Vince Vaughan? Two. (This would have been funnier if I'd spelled his name right. It's actually Vince Vaughn.)
How many Halle Berrys in one of Aretha Franklin's breasts? 3.4.

I could do this forever.

Fabiana Bertoldi

2006-01-23T14:33:00.000-08:00

I don't know why everyone's looking for her, but here's a look at Fabiana Bertoldi. She looks good, yes.

How to Cure Depression

2006-01-13T06:42:00.000-08:00

Feeling depressed? Bush still in the White House, Alito partying like it's 1949, you got in a fight with that lady in the supermarket who cut you off in line, etc.?

I hate to be a Johnny-Come-Lately, but the answer to beating depression has been under our noses all the time:

How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Resolutions for the New Year

2006-01-02T13:00:00.000-08:00

I've always been one for self-improvement, and as the year rolled over and I looked at the hairy fat that has rolled over the top of my jeans, I decided I needed to make some resolutions for the new year. 2006 is the year that everything changes for Blunderford, when I will be a better man, and the world will grow to love me.

So, without further adieu, or ado, or however you spell that, Blunderford's New Year's Resolutions 2006:

1. Stop imitating Asian people.

2. Buy something from Victoria's Secret to get back on their catalog mailing list.

3. Reduce drinking to one six-pack per day.

4. Buy a little rock with the engraving "Peace" or "Let it go" or some other stupid saying designed to bring me inner calm.

5. Go down to the Army recruiting station and see if they're hard up enough to take a 235-lb., 42-year-old guy with a hairy back, poor eyesight and slow motor skills.

6. If #5 fails, consider seeking some other form of employment.

7. See about splicing my neighbor's cable. I've been too lazy on this one, I hear it's really easy.

8. Grow my own marijuana instead of being bilked by that motherfu**er Victor. You know you've been gouging me, Victor!

9. Be more open-minded. See #10 for an example.

10. Put something up my ass. Maybe those gay guys know something I don't. It would be wrong to die without finding out at least once.

Feel free to steal any of these resolutions for your own 2006 makeover. And please do let me know of anything you feel might help me become a better person in the new year.

Tom Jones Electrocuted!

2006-01-02T12:59:00.000-08:00

Early yesterday a short in the microphone caused famed crooner Tom Jones to be electrocuted during his New Year's Day show at the Purple People Casino in Bloomtown, Indiana. Female guests who have become used to such displays in the past showered him with panties and the occasional girdle. Jones lay moaning for 17 minutes before anyone realized electrocution was not part of the act.

George Bush Sr. Deflating!

2006-01-02T12:56:00.000-08:00

"I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. Everyone has to deflate sometime. I've had a long, great life and I'm planning on sticking around until the very last bit of air goes out the top of my head."

Bush Team Rethinks Its Plan for Recovery

2005-12-29T13:00:00.000-08:00

It's been a rough year for George W. Bush. But it appears the Bush team has the winning strategy to turn things around in 2006.

The list:

1. Blame Howard Dean.

2. Dismiss spying scandal by reminding Americans we're "only eavesdropping on the A-rabs."

3. Indict Patrick Fitzgerald.

4. Rename Iraq and get the hell out while everyone's busy putting up the "Welcome to West Iran" signs

5. Stop talking out of our asses.

Just Like God Made Her

2005-12-29T12:54:00.000-08:00

Tori Spelling would like nothing better than for you to believe those are her natural breasts.

This Reminds Me of My Wife

2005-12-29T12:50:00.000-08:00

A fish with two mouths.

Shocker: New Yorkers Hit Each Other During Transit Strike

2005-12-21T06:37:00.000-08:00

Poor old New Yorkers. The trains don't run and they act like it's the end of the world:

"It makes you confused," said Sera Hargrevas, an interior designer who figured she would walk 150 blocks before the day was done. "I can't deal with anything else but walking right now. Everything is so crowded. People are so angry -- they are hitting you and they don't even apologize. . . . I'm a little tense."

In my experience, New Yorkers regularly hit you and don't apologize--don't blame the transit strike.

"I spent the last two hours walking and the first 30 minutes trying to figure out how to get there," Profumo said Tuesday afternoon as he reached the halfway point. "I had to ask somebody where Broadway was -- and I grew up here."

I should give this guy a break, because he's only 16, but I won't because that's the kind of person I am. If you grew up in the damn city, figure out the local geography instead of putting it all in the hands of transit workers to get you where you're going. What do you do when the lights go out? Curse the electric company workers or go get a flashlight for God's sake?

Some judge is fining the transit workers a million dollars a day because it's illegal for public employees to strike. That'll help get things resolved. Did you think they didn't know it was "illegal," judge? You've got a transit strike because the transit workers obviously decided it was the only way to get some leverage and get treated better. If it's illegal to strike when you can't get a contract, what's the point of having a union in the first place?

News flash, New Yorkers: your city is not the center of the universe, and each one of you is not the center of the universe, either, though in my experience most of you believe otherwise. Things are tough all over. Maybe you should call up the mayor and tell him to give the workers what they want instead of making them look like the bad guys -- or would it be too much trouble to switch off your iPod or stop obsessively checking your BlackBerry?

Put on your hat and your gloves and start walking.

@ Metroblogging NYC: "All in all another day starts at work. There is 100 % attendance, and people in our office come from everywhere.....all the 5 boros and from Jersey and Conneticut. All in. Thats the NYC spirit. Fuck the subway !!"

@ David Ippolito: "(It's really, really tough to pick a side to root for, or against, in this one, isn't it?)"

@ Moonbattery: "This crisis could actually be a great opportunity for the city, allowing it to put an end to the transit union shakedown cycle. New York needs to strike a blow against moonbattery by firing the bums immediately."

@ Suburban Guerilla: "It always amazes me that so-called liberals are so indifferent – or hostile – to strikers."

@ Now What?: "I honestly think this strike is happening because they know I’m out of birth control and I seriously need to see my doctor."

Who is this Kate Beckinsale?

2005-12-20T18:17:00.000-08:00

I don't know who she is, but I can surely imagine myself licking that left shoulder and perhaps even down into the armpit.

Keira Knightley, Young Enough to Be My Daughter, So What's Your Point?

2005-12-20T18:12:00.000-08:00

"Blunderford, your back's not nearly as hairy as you said. Get on over here."

Charlize Theron, Weary Miner

2005-12-20T18:10:00.000-08:00

Yeah, Charlize, we almost believe you're a miner. It's going to take more than a chick mullet to convince us.

Mariah Carey's Boobs Should Stay In Their Cave

2005-11-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

That's not even attractive. This is like seeing my mom's boobs.

You Won't Be Able to Set My Curfew When You're Dead

2005-11-14T13:50:00.000-08:00

Parents, the stakes have been raised!

It used to be that your children would simply hate you throughout their teen years while you struggled to keep them from becoming complete animals and/or mothering/fathering children as a result of having sex in your rumpus room, also known as the humpus room.

It used to be that you fathers scared away particularly skeezy boy suitors through glowering looks and by reducing communication to surly grunts.

Wise up, Mom and Dad! Your old-school parenting style can now get you killed.

Just ask Michael and Cathryn Borden. Well, you can't, actually -- they're dead. Maybe you could ask David Ludwig and Kara Beth Borden instead. Young Kara comes home late at age 14, gets in trouble from Mom and Dad, and her 18-year-old secret boyfriend says, "I'm going to shoot that mother... And that father, too."

So he offs them and takes Kara on a ride that may or may not be forced, to Indiana, where three straight hours of cornfields and cop chases finally ends in the twisted Romeo and Juliet smashing into a tree.

Don't want it to happen to you? Yours truly is here to help, with Blunderford's 7 How-To-Stay-Alive Parenting Commandments:

1. Don't mouth off to your children.

2. Share. Leave your wallet open on the kitchen counter -- this is a family, not a dictatorship!

3. No comments about children's clothing. Exposed vaginas are in this year, so keep your trap shut about it. Maybe your prissy little mini-skirts will come back again, but don't count on it.

4. Pay the kids' cell phone bills promptly. Nothing pisses them off more than their cellie being cut off.

5. Pretend not to notice when you overhear your teen's conversations about threesomes or "friends with benefits."

6. Put in a swimming pool, for God's sake!

7. Be flexible! Add more rules to this list based on your child's individual demands.

@ Psych Central: links to the blogs and Web pages of Ludwig and Borden.

Ozzie Guillen Comes Out of the Closet

2005-11-14T13:43:00.000-08:00

"They think I'm crazy, but I'm just crazy in love."

Janet Jackson Comes Clean on Mystery Child

2005-11-14T13:34:00.000-08:00

Janet Jackson and her ex-husband Sherman Klump were all smiles today at a hastily-arranged press conference. Jackson admitted that the short-lived relationship between she and Klump had produced a daughter, Cletus.

Hello Dalai

2005-11-14T13:29:00.000-08:00

On tour with the Dalai Lama...

"I'm opening a can of whoop-ass on the next one of you jokers that screams for 'Freebird.'"

Gen Yers Gaze At Their Navels and Like What They See

2005-11-07T14:08:00.000-08:00

USA Today has an article about "Generation Y" hitting the workplace. As you might guess, the reporter and a handful of Gen Yers themselves describe this new generation of workers as a bunch of spoiled brats who are going to change the world, so the old fart dinosaurs should just hand over the keys to the castle.

"Get ready, because this generation — whose members have not yet hit 30 — is different from any that have come before."

Uh, huh.

This age group is moving into the labor force during a time of major demographic change, as companies around the USA face an aging workforce. Sixty-year-olds are working beside 20-year-olds.

Holy crap! Never before in history have old people worked with young people! And 60 is ancient. I thought you had to retire at 42!!??

"Generation Y is much less likely to respond to the traditional command-and-control type of management still popular in much of today's workforce," says Jordan Kaplan, an associate managerial science professor at Long Island University-Brooklyn in New York.

Gimme a break. If the economy was good, like it was about 5 years back, Gen Y could get all proud and sassy, but right now if they want to keep a job, they'll learn to handle the "command-and-control" workplace just fine. Assuming they're not still being bankrolled by their parents that is.

Here's my favorite line of this annoying article:

"They're like Generation X on steroids."

Every paper in the country is going to do an annoying profile on the Gen Yers soon -- hell, they've been waiting to do it ever since the Gen Xers got too old and started acting too much like normal adults to be called slackers anymore. It's low-hanging fruit. Make a bunch of generalizations about a "generation" (and I'm not sure who gets to decide when a generation starts and stops), write a story about how they're so very different from the last generation, and then don't talk much more about it because in a few years they won't be that much different than the previous generation.

Yes, younger workers are always going to be different than older ones, and the difference will magnify the greater the generation gap between two individuals. But to act as if a "young, smart, brash" generation is swarming the workplace, wearing "flip-flops to the office" or listening "to iPods at their desk" and turning the business world upside down is ridiculous.

It was this we're-so-different-and-clever-and-fresh attitude that helped dot-coms collapse under the weight of their foosball tables and unworkable business plans. I'll believe in the new generational revolution when I see it.

chick time

2005-11-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

I'm behind on my chicks. I can't be having photos of John McEnroe as the highlight of the blog. Here's some Latin Playboy chicks, thanks to your good friends at Reuters:

I like the last one the best. You?

Mechanical Turk Can Make You Rich!!!!!!!!!

2005-11-07T13:21:00.000-08:00

So there's this new Mechanical Turk program from Amazon that has a bit of a buzz going. Here's how it works:

1. Software developers and others put up repetitive tasks that require almost no skill such as looking at pictures and telling if there is a blue car in the snapshot. Because a computer can't do this, someone has to, so that someone could be you. So far, the employers pay around 3 cents per "HIT" -- in my example, each picture you look at and correctly identify the presence of a blue car is a "HIT" that will net you three cents.

2. You get an hour to do as many as you can, at least to start. If you're really quick, you might make $5-7 in that hour, but you'll be working your buns off.

3. You die of boredom, or exhaustion, or a lethal mix of both.

For people unable to move because they weigh 700 pounds, this might be a good program. They can earn some money while not having to move (which they can't), so it's better than a job that requires them to move (which they can't). Otherwise, the program looks like it will work well only for people who are too stupid to do the math in their heads and figure out just how hard they would have to work to make even minimum wage.

And, of course it could work well for Amazon, who gets a cut somewhere in there.

Capitalism is an awesome thing. Throw in the words "artificial intelligence" and "make money" and you can get everyone over the age of two to wet their pants in amazement. (Those under two are wetting their pants as well, but they always do that.)

@ Rough Type: "Amazon's Mechanical Turk uses the capacity explicitly, turning people into a "human layer" in software." (And God knows we've all wanted to be software at one time or another, yes?)

@ The Speculist: "I knew it was just a matter of time before lazy, spoiled computers started palming work off on us. If I've said it once, I've said it a dozen times: this is what happens when you coddle them."

@ Squelly: "I could make between $4.50 and $5.00 an hour. w00t! So what’s the point? Why waste my time for near third-world wage? The tasks HAVE to come up in price/value for it to be worthwhile. It could be. Amazon COULD be the envelope-stuffing-work-from-home alternative for the unskilled with a computer…. ‘Cause there must be millions of thse folks waiting around."

Rule 21: Kiss Bill Frist's Ass Or He Will Cry BooHooBooBoo

2005-11-02T13:39:00.001-08:00

In Major League Baseball, Rule 21 basically states that it's not OK for a team or player to purposely lose.

When I first heard about the Democrats and Rule 21, I assumed they had broken this rule and were actually attempting to win something.

Holy crapoly! I was right!

Senate Rule 21:

1. On a motion made and seconded to close the doors of the Senate, on the discussion of any business which may, in the opinion of a Senator, require secrecy, the Presiding Officer shall direct the galleries to be cleared; and during the discussion of such motion the doors shall remain closed.

2. When the Senate meets in closed session, any applicable provisions of rules XXIX and XXXI, including the confidentiality of information shall apply to any information and to the conduct of any debate transacted.

Now, on the surface, invoking Rule 21 doesn't appear to be all that big of a deal. But the U.S. Senate is full of a bunch of aristocratic snobs who believe they are God's gift to America, and they get quite huffy if someone doesn't act genteel and proper or, of course, doesn't kiss Bill Frist's ass. (I've heard they even have For Senators Only signs over the morning donuts to remind the little people they are unworthy of fresh bakery.)

So Harry Reid gets up and says he wants to use Rule 21 to close the Senate doors, chase out the media and assorted lackeys, and talk about what the fook is up with this supposed report on how the fook we got into Iraq when every single person with any power knew full well that it was bullsheets and went along with it anyway. Covering up Scooter Libby's lying ass with a new Supreme Court justice named Scalito was a tricky move, but Reid wasn't having it.

Oh, how Willie Frist carried on! He couldn't believe the audacity, the sheer ballsiness of using the dreaded Rule 21 without Reid telling him it was coming! Using the rules to get important questions answered is simply not done in the U.S. Senate! How can Bill Frist ever trust Harry Reid again, despite the fact he couldn't give a rat's ass what loser-party Harry Reid has to say anyway?

All this B.S. is just theatrics, of course, but the media jumped all over it, because they've got a lot of space to fill and people like fights, even if they can't understand what the fook the fight is about. If Harry Reid made them dim the lights in the Senate and Bill Frist wet his trousers over it, that's news, baby!

In the end, it doesn't mean crap, but it's good to see some fight in the Democratic dog, even if it's mostly of the yappy poodle variety.

@ Waveflux: "All those awful goings-on in the Senate yesterday gave Missouri's Kit Bond a tummy-ache: 'Republicans are outraged,' Sen. Christopher Bond (R-Mo.) reported. "I just ate lunch, and it's upset my stomach.' Bond's gut is calm enough when he's voting to support torture. Funny, isn't it?"

@ The Arizona Eclectic: "Isn't it interesting how Republicans can dish out the criticism (often, if not always, lies) but if a Democrat does something perfectily legal and straight forward that a Repug doesn't like -- watch out. Out comes the tantrum (like with Fristy-baby's reaction to the use of Rule 21)"

@ Culture Freak: "Who would have guessed that Harry Reid would grow a pair and catch Bill Frist and the GOP off guard, let alone make them cry like little girls?"

@ The Ostroy Report: "it's a bold message to the GOP that we'll no longer lie down and let it run the country recklessly and without accountability and public scrutiny."

@ Right from Left: "Reid and his grumpy band of whiners made themselves look ridiculous yet again."

Best Halloween Costume You Will Ever See

2005-11-02T13:39:00.000-08:00

John McEnroe as his younger self.

Mocking the Avian Flu

2005-11-02T13:38:00.000-08:00

This guy's just asking for it.

Maureen Dowd Wants Me

2005-10-31T13:01:00.000-08:00

"Men aren't necessary, but, you, Blunderford, are so much more than a man!"

I used to be afraid of Maureen Dowd. I thought she was a woman I couldn't handle, with that lethal combination of biting sarcasm and prim white pearls around her neck. I knew that MoDo had no need for me or my gender, and wanted a world made up only of herself, Alfre Woodard, Helena Bonham Carter and maybe Joan Cusack for comic relief.

But I've changed my mind. Now I know different: Maureen Dowd wants me.

Two signs in particular have shown themselves, lighting the path toward this truth. First, I stumbled upon an old interview Ms. Dowd did with Jon Stewart, our modern answer to Jimmy Stewart, or perhaps Stewart Smalley. In it, Ms. Dowd showed those silky legs to their best effect, her fire-red hair calling out me -- "Blunderford, I am fierce, yet I am woman!"

And I was intrigued.

And now, Maureen, you cunning vixen, a new book, Are Men Necessary?, which at first glance seems to confirm all my worst fears. And yet...

And yet I know that in calling for a world without men, Maureen Dowd is simply trying to subjugate her very strongest desires in the name of keeping her street cred with the bald feminists of Main Street America.

And yet a book cover featuring an alluring heroine in red dress and red hair -- representing Dowd herself, no doubt -- pretending to read her book but so obviously glancing amorously at a rugged man in a fedora and five 'o clock shadow. A man who looks suspiciously like yours truly, Blunderford Matthew Hensley.

And yet while Maureen Dowd tries to be strong, she so obviously puts forth an image she can not live up to, an image of a woman who does not need the strong arms of a man to hold her tight, a woman who does not need the bread left open with no twist tie, a woman who does not want, need or desire a sweaty, snoring behemoth to roll on to her in the morning with stink breath and say, "My dick hurts for you, baby."

And I know it is all a lie. I know that MoDo will someday soon melt into my arms and say, "I love you, Blunderford. Are there any more Oreos left in your pocket for a small-town girl with a heart of gold?"

I will smile... and offer her my Double-Stuf.

Other thoughts on Maureen Dowd:

@ Sigmund, Carl and Alfred: "Would you want this woman marrying your brother, son, or anyone else in your family? Would you want her influencing children?"

@ my amusement park: "Let me preface this post by saying that I know everyone's going to be talking about how Maureen Dowd's a moron now, but I've been saying it for years. Years."

@ Instapunk: " suppose her preferred line of attack is that men aren't necessary, that the world would be better off if women -- especially smart women -- were artificially inseminated like dairy cows and free to bring up their smart female-only progeny in a one-sex society. That way, female IQs could keep going up while the male population dwindled away to nothing."

@ feministing: "Really, is Dowd so egotistical to think that only certain “successful” women determine current gender relations? Perhaps if she expanded her circle of friends--or actually tried to interview the lowly secretaries, assistants, and nannies who are supposedly stealing up all of the men--Dowd would see that the future of feminism goes beyond her backyard."

@ Echidne of the Snakes: "You may have noticed that I am angry at Maureen, and this is indeed the case. I'm fuming, and not because she is not a feminist. I always knew that Maureen was no sister at all, and in any case goddesses don't have sisters as such. But I am really pissed off at all those story-tellers who make up trends from whole cloth and then bemoan the existence of this trend they have just created."

Chicks Dig Me

2005-10-31T12:57:00.000-08:00

"I may have 7 chins, but Exxon made $100 billion kazillion dollars last quarter. Guess which one of us is going to have a hot model on his arm tonight?"

You Will Like It, Like It, Like It on Your Table, Table, Table

2005-10-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

"Don't worry. I'm this close to getting Rove's ass in a sling, too."

Sure, I'm disappointed it was only Lewis Libby, aka Scooter Libby to the members of his crime family, but I have faith in this Fitzgerald. He's going after Rove for bigger stuff & he will be sent down the river. Then, only Bush and Cheney to go. How many have to get sent to jail before someone with a brain is next in line to the throne?

@ Captain's Quarters: "A mighty thin Fitzmas indeed. Anyone celebrating this as more significant than the fruits of stupidity needs to develop more outside interests, like philately or cycling."

Workin the mullet

2005-10-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

Tom Hanks proves that all of us will have a mid-life crisis.

The Ladies of Prussian Blue

2005-10-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

Not quite what I had expected.

Horny for Prussian Blue

2005-10-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

If you aren't familiar with Prussian Blue (and you know you are, you dirty old racist pig), they are a couple of the cutest little musical twin supremacists you're likely to see, and if ABC thinks it's OK to get suckered into give them PrimeTime attention, then I do, too.

Prussian Blue gives proof to the fact that if you package it right, you can get a few fat white guys to show up to stand in a field and ogle 13-year-olds and say "I hate them niggers."

According to the Prussian Blue Web site, "The early release of a sample from the song, “The Stranger,” a musical adaptation of a Rudyard Kipling poem, is causing quite a stir on the racialist music scene." That's really amazing, because we all know how discriminating (pardon the pun) the racialist music scene can be.

When asked about comparisons to the Olsen twins, Lynx and Lamb said in unison, "Oh, like, absolutely. We're working on a TV show called 'Full Stalag', and Lynx already has bulimia."

I can't see the rationale for putting this little cult of pathetic whities on a network news show just because some demented parents decided their twin beauties could be the pinup girls for a "movement" that ain't movin'. Is ABC so starved for programming that they have to chase down every freak show that puts up a Web site and says something controversial?

Hey, maybe I could get them to do a segment on me.

@ The Show: "I do have to admit, though, the Happy Hitler baby tees are pretty adorable."

@ Anti-Strib: "These jerks just add fuel to the NAACP’s accusations that all white people are racist. They not only damage race relations, they make all white people look like potential 1870 Klan members."

@ Modern Tribalist: "Of course, if these girls were black and praising everything African then the liberal media would be saying how wonderful it was that these teenagers were taking pride in their heritage."

@ Mesmerization Eclipse: "Prussian Blue might be my new favorite band. Or they would be, were I a paranoid, delusional, self-hating asshole."

I Don't Care What They Say, My Roids Need to Air Dry

2005-10-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

My mother-in-law is such a bitch. Look at her, she wrote to Dear Abby about me, like that's such a great way to keep my marriage harmonius:

DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law insists on walking around naked after his shower. He claims that he's hot and must let his hemorrhoids air-dry. Abby, this man has four children, three of whom are girls ages 9, 7 and 4. My daughter has done everything from plead to scream to get him to stop this habit, yet he still emerges from the bathroom with the announcement, "Turn your heads, girls, I'm naked!"

What more can my daughter do to get him to understand how potentially dangerous this is? -- DISGUSTED IN JAMESON, MO.

I'll tell you what your daughter can do, Esther. She could get a fooking job so I don't have to sit on my ass all day in a cubicle staring at numbers until my eyes are as dry as I think you know what and sifting through 50,000 e-mails from my poophead co-workers who think every joke and tear-jerker life lesson that hits their inbox has to be passed along and making chitchat with my so-called boss who doesn't know his ass from his A: drive.

My roids are killing me -- I didn't say anything when you had your dam liposuction, just pretended like I didn't even notice, made a couple comments like "I like your new hairstyle" when I knew full well you'd had 60 tons of flab sucked out of your hips, belly, and your upper and lower cheeks if you catch my drift -- so keep your trap shut too how bout?.

You know what, "Mom", as you insist I call you as if my own mother doesn't exist? Your daughter hates you and we're working hard to make sure Shanna, Alexandra and Chloe hate you, too, because they couldn't care less if their dad walks around naked because we've made it pretty dam clear to them that this is the way God made us and intended us to look unless it got below 40 degrees.

SO KEEP YOUR NOSE OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS! THAT'S WHY BOB LEFT YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE! NOW YOU'RE ABOUT TO LOSE YOUR DAUGHTERS AND YOUR GRANDDAUGHTERS TOO!

Rodman coming back to the NBA?

2005-10-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

News reports say Dennis Rodman, above, may want another go at the NBA.

It's Howdy DeLay Time, It's Howdy DeLay Time

2005-10-20T14:14:00.000-07:00

That first shot is Tom DeLay, indicted for being a general all-around prick. Second, Jim Ellis, executive director of Americans for a Republican Majority Political Action Committee, also arrested. It's not fair to judge a book by its cover, but I say they're both guilty! Guilty, guilty, guilty! Ha, ha, ha, hee ho ho huuu!!!!

And this here is Delay's lawyer, so you know he's going down the river soon.

@ Political Pit Bull: "Tom DeLay's mug shot is one of the best I have ever seen. He should really consider using it for his license."

Screaming for a Caption

2005-10-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

Here's mine: "I know what you're thinking, but this is actually the size of one of my balls."

Simply Because

2005-10-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

Been falling short of my hot chick quota. Here's a couple, I mean, here's one.

Son of Merv Griffin

2005-10-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

Val Kilmer and Robert Downey Jr. portray Merv Griffin and Johnny Depp in the new film "Fear and Loathing and How About Some More of That Lobster and A Bottle of Wine and What's for Dessert Because I Could Eat A Horse"

White House: U.S. Unprepared for Just About Everything

2005-10-19T13:38:00.000-07:00

Master of the obvious:

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff acknowledged today that the Federal Emergency Management Agency was "overwhelmed" by Hurricane Katrina and called for a buildup of the government's "preparedness capability" to deal with major natural disasters and terrorist attacks.

Unfortunately, the next test of that preparedness capability may come this weekend, as Hurricane Wilma, measured as the strongest hurricane ever in the Atlantic Ocean, heads for Florida. Are the admissions of failure too little, too late to make the changes necessary in dealing with the potential aftermath of another Category 5 hurricane?

When President George W. Bush was asked about Hurricane Wilma, he bit his lip, looked somber and said, "God is good, and the people of the Atlantic Ocean are good, and we will rebuild the ocean and the ocean peoples."

When informed that Wilma was actually still on her way to shore, Bush chuckled and said, "Well, then let's get that Bam-Bam fella down there to turn her back, right? Heh, heh. He's a strong one in't he?" The president looked around and winked as Harriet Miers guffawed in the corner and sputtered, "Oh, Mr. President, you are just the funniest of the funniest and the bestest of the bestest!"

The people of Florida put their heads between their legs and kissed their asses goodbye.

Easy Joke

2005-10-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

"Bruce & I are thinking of naming it Ashton."

Bono, How Could You?

2005-10-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

"I've always wanted to meet a real rock star, and you're the biggest of them all."

"Well, thanks, Bono."

Who the Fook Is John Hannah?

2005-10-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

I want Karl Rove to go down, I'll even take Scooter Libby, but John Hannah? Who's he? It's not the same guy who played for the Patriots way back when, is it?

I suppose you have to go after the people that actually did things wrong, but if John Hannah ends up being the extent of this Valerie Plame deal, Blunderford will not be a happy camper. We all know Rove has his tentacles all over this sheet, and if they've woven a Web that spits him back out into the White House smelling like a rosy turd blossom, I'm going to heave up the pork 'n beans I enjoyed so much for lunch.

Now they're talking about Cheney resigning. That's more like it.

@ Brain and Eggs: "There have been rumors on the Internets for quite some time that Big Time Dick would pull the plug on himself and that the 2008 GOP heir apparent would assume the vice-presidency. Even with Dubya's loyalty to fealty, and the amount of sense this actually makes for Republican prospects of holding the White House for twelve years, I don't think Dr. James Dobson would allow a pro-choice African-American female to be promoted. Now... Rick Santorum? More like that.

@ d-day: "Hannah was mentioned in Joseph Wilson's memoir as the perfect patsy, a guy who could do the dirty work so the big boys could keep their hands clean. If he's flipped we're in for a wild ride."

@ The Strata-Sphere: "If the democrats thought going after Clinton in peace time hurt the reps - boy wait until they see what happens if they go after Bush and Cheney during a time of war on this silliness. Let’s hope Fitzgerald is a truly serious prosecutor and not out to become the champion of the lunatic left."

@ Church of the Front Porch: "What sweet irony that a creep on loan to Cheney from Bush's best pal John Bolton may bring down the House of Bush."

Underpants and Running Shoes

2005-10-18T13:41:00.000-07:00

There's a reason sex is generally done in darkened rooms.

Get a Room!

2005-10-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

George Bush Sr. and Barbara Bush make out at the Houston Astros / St. Louis Cardinals game, which was soon called off due to stadium-wise sickness.

I Thought You Were Blondie

2005-10-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

Tommy Hilfiger prepares to audition for the next Planet of the Apes movie by taking a bite out of Debbie Harry. One way or another, he's gonna getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha...

Rocky 6: Fetch Me My Glasses

2005-10-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

Sylvester Stallone announced today that he will reprise his role as underdog boxer Rocky Balboa in Rocky 6. Thoughtfully titled "Rocky Balboa," the film will give a few nods to Rocky's advanced age, including:

The main fight of the film will be a verbal boxing match with Balboa's wife Adrian over a Scrabble game, in which Adrian insists that "yo" is not a real word and that Rocky must take back his triple word score.
Rocky brooding over his troubles while enjoying his favorite hobbies of gardening and Internet porn.
An ongoing gag in which Rocky awakens repeatedly during the night to pee, due to an enlarged prostate.
Rocky Junior (played by David Spade) graduates from college with a degree in product design and creates a revolutionary weightless boxing glove. Rocky serves as the glove's celebrity spokesperson.

In a moving final scene, Rocky will confess to Adrian that he is illiterate after unsuccessfully attempting to read the memoirs of "that Fantasia chick" from American Idol.

Pass the popcorn.

So, Have We Lifted Them Out of Poverty Yet?

2005-10-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

For all of you who got all worked up about my early September posts on Katrina, go read E. J. Dionne today and think about if anything's really going to change for poor people in this country.

Pimpin Ain't Easy

2005-10-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

"Come any closer and my pimp will kill you."

I Think His Brains Are Leaking

2005-10-13T12:03:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that I use much of my blog space ogling women and posting pictures of Siamese twins, this editorial makes me believe I am overqualified to be a columnist at a major newspaper.
Richard Cohen (and I'll refrain from calling him "Dick") has obviously spent so much time going to D.C. cocktail parties and enjoying the fawning of the political elite who hope he'll write something nice about them (and would have no use for Cohen otherwise), that he is now attacking the special prosecutor in that CIA spy leak thingie, telling him, "Hey, bunshole, we commit petty crime here in Washington all the time. You're from Chicago, you should be used to that with your politicians. Go after someone who really needs to be brought to justice, like Hillary Clinton. Did you hear she and Slick Willie offed Vince Foster?"

And Cohen gets all sniffie about the fact that Fitzgerald won't talk to him, won't tell him absolutely anything -- Does he know I'm Richard Cohen? This is an outrage!

If you buttskins in the middle of the action can't figure out where your priorities should be as watchdogs of the government, then step aside and let the Blunderfords of the world run your paper. We'll work a lot harder and offer a lot more pictures of Natalie Glebova in a bikini.

The Real Reason Republicans Win All the Elections

2005-10-12T13:44:00.000-07:00

Former Arkansas state rep Jim Bob Duggar (you read correct, Jim Bob Duggar) shows off his brood of GOP loyalists in Rogers, Arkansas. Jim Bob and Michelle birthed their 16th child, and may have more if they can think up any more names that start with "J", having already cursed one child with the name Jinger but so far not utilizing their secret weapon... Jim Bob Jr.

Michelle released a statement calling on all feminists to spend the years from 21 to 41 birthing babies, but suggested stopping "if y'all's grandbabies are older than your very own babies."

@ A Stitch In Haste: "The first thought that crossed my mind was how the prolific couple plan to adequately finance sixteen college education funds. Then I remembered: they're from Arkansas."

@ Tomorrow Yesterday: "Just imagine if their 16 kids then had 16 kids each. That'd be 256 kids. The exponential effect could be crazy."

Demi Moore Killing Ashton's Mojo

2005-10-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

It took a while to take down Bruce Willis, but, as this reception photo proves, Demi Moore has already turned Ashton Kutcher into a complete nerd.

@ Space Monkey X: "I hate anyone who actually gave a shit if they were married or not."

@ Conversations About Famous People: "Did Ashton really sing Mambo Number 5 at the reception?" (Check out the pics at their site and that will make so much more sense.)

Steve Jobs Introduces Biggest iPod Ever

2005-10-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

Steve Jobs explains the theory behind the new 1000-inch Ipod Video: "We said, hell, we're not going to get any smaller than the Nano, so let's go big, baby! I can barely keep this on my shoulders. I'm gonna topple any minute now."

@ Frank-Ly Rhinofly: "de video iPod is er!"

Light Traffic

2005-10-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

"Don't worry. I go this way all the time."

We're Fighting Smurfs Over There So We Won't Have to Fight Them Here

2005-10-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

Proving that anything goes when you want to raise money, UNICEF is using shell-shocked maimed Smurfs to show that war is hell.

Bombs falling, Smurf bodies thrown here and there, Smurfette dead, fires raging all around, and Baby Smurf crying in the foreground, all to back UNICEF's fund-raising efforts for ex-child soldiers in Africa.

This is all happening in Belgum by the way, so you won't get to see it. Sorry.

"It's working. We are getting a lot of reactions and people are logging on to our Web site," UNICEF Belgium spokesman Philippe Henon said Tuesday.

Well, I like reactions and people logging on to my Web site, but I don't bomb Smurfs to get attention. (Of course I've written a few things that not everyone approves of, but that's another story.)

To be honest, I don't think seeing Smurfs go blammo is going to make people realize the horrors of war and work to stop them. More likely, people are going to laugh. They're going to make fun of it. They're going to get copies of the ad and superimpose George W. Bush's face on Baby Smurf. To a new generation, this will be their first introduction to Papa Smurf.

This is going to blow up in their faces. So to speak.

UPDATE: Already wishing I had titled this post "You're Next, Big Bird"

@ D listed: "Look at Smurfette! She is in exactly the same pose, I was in last Friday night!"

Antonin Scalia, Grand Wizard

2005-10-10T14:29:00.000-07:00

Oh, my bad, that says Grand Marshall.

Britney's Bra

2005-10-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

Britney Spears had to pull her jewel-crusty bra off the eBay charity auction for Katrina victims, because she was "concerned that some of you might be confusing this bra with something that it's not."

It now appears that the bra is really that of Shar Jackson, the mother of Kevin Federline's one-year old child, not of Britney Spears, mother of his weeks old child.

"It's totally my fault, man. I got confused," said Federline. "Who's my wife again?"

Eva Longoria

2005-10-10T14:17:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to say about this. I just like seeing her on my blog. It's like we're friends or lovers or something (he said with a creepy grin on his face).

Biel Named Sexiest Woman Alive; Blunderford Takes Male Honors

2005-10-07T13:56:00.000-07:00

Jessica Biel was named Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire magazine in a paparazzi-filled ceremony yesterday.

In a related ceremony held in a low-lit basement hallway, the World's Sexiest Man title was bestowed upon... Blunderford!!!

I'd like to thank Esquire for recognizing me, so few do these days, or at least few are willing to admit it. I'd also like to ask Jessica if she is free tomorrow night.

He Blinded Me With Science

2005-10-07T13:27:00.000-07:00

I used to find science boring in school. Then came fake dog balls:

Gregg Miller mortgaged his home and maxed out his credit cards to mass produce his invention — prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs.

They're called "Neuticles," and he's now sold over 150,000 of them.

This is my favorite paragraph:

What started 10 years ago with an experiment on an unwitting Rottweiler named Max has turned into a thriving mail-order business.

But this sentence isn't far behind:

The silicone implants come in different sizes, shapes, weights and degrees of firmness.

If you'd like to see a diagram of Neuticles, go here.

I'm all for inventions that improve lives, and the dogs may have more of a spring in their step with these nutty nuts, but the inventor himself troubles me.

You'd have to imagine there was a bit of trial and error in figuring out how to make these things work, so no doubt hours upon hours were spent grabbing at the dog's groin, which may have been pleasant for the canine but isn't an image I like to carry in my head.

Second, this is a mail-order business. Do the Neuticles come in a box with a lot of that packing popcorn around them? And one has to presume there are directions to install the Neuticles:

Step One: Grab the dog's penis gently. (NOTE: Dog may bite you, or coo softly.)

Step Two: Make a small incision at base of dog's penis; See Figure 1. (NOTE: Dog WILL bite you.)

Step Three: Push Neuticles up into the cavity you have created, then sew the incision closed with fishing line or whatever else you have lying around.

(NOTE: If you have trouble with these steps, have a trained veterinarian perform this procedure. If you had read the directions first, you would have done this before the dog bit off your left pinkie, but you men are all the same.)

Sweet, Sweet Diane

2005-10-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

"Blunderford, please stay in your seat. Didn't you read the restraining order?"

I Just Thought of Something...

2005-10-06T13:55:00.000-07:00

"Do you know me? I've been a special prosecutor but still I'm unfamiliar to people other than Scooter and Turd Blossom. That's why I carry the American Express card."

Karl Rove is scared.

Why else would he testify to Patrick Fitzgerald again? Did he just remember something he forgot earlier, something that slipped his mind?

ROVE: "Funny thing, Mr. Fitzgerald, but I suddenly remember a very interesting conversation I had with Bill Clinton, Al Franken and Maureen Dowd..."

Fitzgerald's already told Rove that new testimony won't stop a possible indictment. I'm practically crapping my gym shorts in anticipation of seeing these buttskins go down in flames.

@ d-day: "My guess is that Rove is singing in the key of Cheney (which of course would mean going after Scooter Libby, the Veep's chief of staff). It's speculation, but the two men are at competing centers of power in the Bush Administration. Cheney leds the neocon, PNAC group, whereas Rove is a "power at all costs" guy without as much of an ideological cast. These are two big egos with the ear of the President. I don't think it's an accident that this story about the spy in the VP's office has come out."

@ Whatever: "Lawrence O'Donnell, who first broke Rove as Cooper's source, predicts 'at least three high level Bush Administration personnel indicted and possibly one or more very high level unindicted co-conspirators.' Who wouldn't you indict in the conspiracy at a "very high level?" Maybe some folks whose titles end in "esident?"

Cheney vs. Burmese Python

2005-10-06T13:54:00.000-07:00

"You guys hear about that python ate the alligator? I could take 'im."

Is This Some Kind of A Joke?

2005-10-06T13:52:00.000-07:00

"If you see a hairy guy making a face like this, that there's a terraist."

Here's the transcript from King Bush's "major" speech delivered today.

The AP covered the speech by using this headline:

Bush: Radicals Seek to Intimidate World

Perhaps the more appropriate headline would have been:

Bush, Radicals Seek to Intimidate World.

@ A Beginner's Mind: "Perhaps the President had better take a closer look at some of the real, closer-to-home radicals opposing the American way of life and the ideology they espouse."

@ Over A Candle: "I don’t recall seeing ’sacrifice’ mean raising taxes and repealing tax cuts. So the only sacrifices being made are by the poor who are watching their government services dwindle to nothing and their sons and daughters dying, and by all of us in terms of freedoms loss."

@ Atlas Shrugs, much excitement: President Bush Historical Speech Calls for Total War on Islamo-fascism (Transcript and Video) "You must see the President's speech on the GWOT - or as I see it - GWORI - The global war on Radical Islamofascism (yes yes he finally said it), you must understand the strategy and why we are doing what we are doing."

Mmm, mmm, mmm

2005-10-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

I'd kiss her ass, too.

I meant to say "Go Down on a Muffin"

2005-10-06T13:45:00.000-07:00

Howard Dean was on Hardball with Chris Matthews last night and here's what he had to say (from The Fix):

"I think with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, you can't play, you know, hide the salami, or whatever it's called."

And some of you didn't want him for President...

@ Transterrestrial Musings: "Howard Dean. The gift that just keeps on giving."

@ Franklog: "Howard Dean: The only man in America who would Freudian slip "Hide the Salami" when thinking about Harriet Miers."

@ It's Recess-Time Somewhere: "Does he realize the visual images he just put into the heads of all the nice unsuspecting Hardball watchers out there? Does he realize they just might need therapy or at least economy size bottles of brain sanitizer?"

OMG! Tom Cruise and Katie Homes... Expecting!

2005-10-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, I don't know if I can take it. First Demi & Ashton, now this:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting a baby. Holmes' pregnancy was reported Wednesday by People magazine. The couple have been dating since April and became engaged in June.

"Tom and Katie are very excited, and the entire family is very excited," Lee Anne Devette, Cruise's spokeswoman, told People.

How could they NOT be excited???? This is going to be like some kind of super baby, all teeth and good hair and rippling tummy muscles. It could be short like Tom, sure, but it could be tall like Katie, too!

And this baby boy (I know it could be a girl, but I guess I'm old-fashioned and think boy babies are better) is going to so rich that Paris Hilton is going to swoop right in on him and take him to all the most important parties, especially if Tom & Katie don't get crazy and name him something like Perez that would threaten Paris's sense of self.

Oh the lives of celebrities are too good! I can barely think! Thank God for them!

@ The Spotlight: "Now that Tom has inseminated Katie with his alien, "science" child, her future's looking pretty grim."

Blunderford Caption Contest

2005-10-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

Best caption wins a date with Blunderford. Or, if you prefer, nothing.

I'm So Full I Think I'm Going to Blow Up

2005-10-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

This Burmese python tried to eat this living alligator and blew up. I can't even tell what's what in this picture, perhaps a result of that blowing up thing.

Python, Shmython

2005-10-05T13:06:00.000-07:00

"That's nothing, baby. I once swallowed a whole elephant."

Lesbian Mannequins Are So Hot

2005-10-05T13:01:00.000-07:00

Victoria's Secret knows how to get me going: mannequins baring all, and more..

"Little Shop of Whores," huffed one woman standing outside the new Victoria's Secret in Tysons Corner Center. "Slut wear," declared the father of a teenage girl, looking at a feathery-thong-clad mannequin bent over as if she were adjusting her spike heels.

"I love it," said another woman with a bag of fresh purchases.

Hell, yes, I love it, too. Those mannequin babes, with their perfect breasts and shapely hips and thighs, scantily clad, making me beg to see their plastic nipples.

Well," said Steina Rubin of Bethesda, "I find it just totally disgusting." And, no, she would not be shopping there. "I'm not entering a whorehouse," she said. "I come to the mall with my daughter. It's disgusting. And I'm from Europe!"

Oh, Stella, honey, methinks thou do protest too much!

Inside the store was a display of one scantily clad female mannequin crawling toward another who reclined on a left hip and leaned back on both hands.

Lesbian mannequins???!!! Oh, my God, I could cry at the beauty of it. And that mall is just around the corner from me! How am I going to get any work done, knowing those fake beauties are just minutes away, crawling toward each other, to touch each other's smooth as stone genitals?

I'm going to have to complain to store management. I can't have this kind of distraction.

Your Back Will Feel A Whole Lot Better When I'm Riding You Like A Wild Stallion, You Freaky Mama!

2005-10-04T13:59:00.000-07:00

Doctor sued for sex treatment for back pain

Hmmm. Now I'm questioning whether I really needed to give my doctor that blowjob to cure my sinus infection.

What Is God's Plan?

2005-10-04T13:57:00.000-07:00

They say there's a reason for everything, that we can't question God's wisdom. Well, sorry, God, but WTF is up with this?

Germans Hand Out Geek Awards

2005-10-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

Your winner is at left.

MonkeyHead Speaks!

2005-10-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

Bushie took a few questions today. This answer annoys the heck out of me:

"We're making good progress in Iraq, and Iraq is a part of the war on terror. That's what the American people need to understand."

First off, with the current pace of progress, Iraq will be stable in the year 2155. Second, the American people understand that Iraq is part of the war on terror because YOU made it part of that war, buttskin.

Bush also got all excited about the avian flu. You could tell he got a briefing right beforehand and he couldn't wait to show off:

"I am concerned about avian flu. I'm concerned about what an avian flu outbreak could mean for the United States and the world. I have thought through the scenarios of what an avian flu outbreak could mean. I tried to get a better handle on what the decision-making process would be by reading Mr. Barry's book on the influenza outbreak in 1918. I would recommend it."

Such the eager beaver.

A scary thought on Harriet Miers:

"She knows exactly the kind of judge I'm looking for. And I know exactly the kind of judge she'll be."

Poor William Shatner

2005-10-03T14:09:00.000-07:00

Getting old's a bitch, isn't it, Bill?

This Ain't the Freakin' Dalai Lama

2005-10-03T13:38:00.000-07:00

Our esteemed leader, George W. Bush, has nominated his former staff secretary and current White House Counsel Harriet Miers to be the next Supreme Court nominee.

(In related news, Bush has nominated his cat Willie to be Deputy Secretary of the Interior, since no one knows what the hell that means anyway. Bush thought it would be a shortcut to have someone that already had that "ie" on the end of his name so he wouldn't have to think so hard about a nickname, like he did with that Mike Brown fella.)

I thought it a tad strange when this John Roberts guy popped up out of nowhere, but, hey, I'm no expert on the Who's Who in American Jurisprudence, and I kind of dig that permafrost wife of his. I think she's sexy. But still, it was a little unsettling that he had so little track record to go on in figuring out his judging style.

But John Roberts was like Robin Williams at his most annoying in comparison to dear Harriet. John Roberts at least had a few jokes and mean statements about Girl Scouts. Harriet Miers is like the Dalai Lama of Supreme Court justices, plucked from obscurity to lead the people by divine right. Her most telling quote might be that George W. Bush is the most brilliant man she knows.

I'm aware that past Supreme Court justices have not been judges previously, but this isn't William Howard Taft taking over (and thank goodness for that, but still). You'd expect some sort of track record beyond being part of W.'s posse.

Harry Reid, obviously still suffering the aftereffects of that stroke, seems delighted with Miers. Hopefully the other Dems will spend a little more time grilling her than they did John Roberts. Otherwise I suggest they tell Harriet to make like the Dalai Lama and get the hell out of Tibet.

Nicole Ritchie Channels Dinah Shore

2005-10-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, you don't know who Dinah Shore is. Or maybe who Nicole Ritchie is. One of the two.

I'll kiss Bush's butt for $240,000, too.

2005-10-03T13:23:00.000-07:00

Armstrong Willians says he may return the money he got for shilling for George Bush's education laws.

Why? Because he says he didn't do it, and so he didn't earn the money.

Of course it appears he didn't consider "negotiating" until it was spelled out that the whole scheme was completely illegal.

I don't know why he's returning it, though. It might be illegal for the government to bribe broadcasters to talk up their laws, but I'm not so sure it's illegal to take the money. And since Williams' station made a point of detailing 168 different times he talked about the wonders of No Child Left Behind, it appears Williams deserves his cash.

I'm sure none of that came from any of my tax money anyway.

Come on, Eileen, Too-Rye-Ay

2005-10-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

With you in that dress my thoughts I confess/
Verge on dirty/
Ah come on Eileen

I'm Almost Finished with My Workout, Laura!

2005-09-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

"Can you spot me on this last set, Jimmy?"

"Yes, Mr. President."

If You Killed All the Homosexuals...

2005-09-30T12:44:00.000-07:00

Former Education Secetary and self-appointed moral stormtrooper Bill Bennett got himself into some hot water by suggesting crime would go down if every black baby was aborted. The White House condemned Bennett's statement, while Bennett defended himself by saying he meant only the nigger babies and not the "good" black babies.

The topic came up due to the book "Freakonomics," in which the author states that the rise in abortions after the Roe v. Wade decision coincided with a steadily lower crime rate, and that the reason may be that the majority of those abortions were had by poor people who would have carried through with their pregnancies in the past. Because poor people are more likely statistically to commit crimes, more aborted babies from poor families means fewer criminals on the streets.

As you might imagine, that stirred some controversy, although the statistical premise is understandable.

And you could say that Bennett's premise is understandable. Black people are the majority of poor people -- abort all blacks and you get rid of the majority of poor people and crime goes down. Of course the racism comes in when Bennett implies that blacks are inherently more criminal, not that they are more likely to commit crimes because statistically more of them are poor. (You may be shocked to hear that I actually give Bennett the benefit of the doubt here; that's probably what he meant.)

Anyway, not one to shy away from controversy, I've come up with a few theories of my own that I'd like the American public to consider:

* If you killed all the homosexuals, we wouldn't be subjected to any more Cher comeback concerts.

* If you killed all men, there would be no more wars. (You might have to take out Michelle Malkin, too, for this to be foolproof.)

* If incest were made legal, there would be a lot more matching organs when people needed transplants.

* If you aborted all the babies in Texas, (fill in the blank, it's fun!).

* If you killed all women, our species would die out completely.

Some of these need work, but my book deal hasn't closed yet, so I have some time to refine.

This hose sucks!

2005-09-30T12:42:00.000-07:00

And In Center Field... Chewbacca!

2005-09-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

Johnny Damon and his wife Leia throw out the ceremonial first pitch before the Boston Red Sox - Toronto Blue Jays game last night.

The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy boys loved the satchel but felt the glove should have been studded.

Goodness Gracious, Ghraib Balls of Fire

2005-09-29T13:25:00.000-07:00

A judge has ordered the government to fan the flames of anti-Americanism by releasing a sequel to the highly-succesful pictorial series from last year, Abu Ghraib Gone Wild.

This one includes more pictures of the Army thinking up sadistic ways to humiliate prisoners, but, as any sequel should, it offers a twist: video!

Yes, soon we will be able to enjoy moving pictures of Iraqis being sodomized, forced to masturbate, stacked up like hairy naked male cheerleaders, and other wacky antics.

It's said this could be the highest grossing sequel since Faces of Death II.

@ Praxxus: "Everyone already knows the photos exist, which means they already know that U.S. soldiers have done something that is likely worse than what has already been shown from Abu Ghraib. Something so bad that the United States military --the same military that is reluctant to investigate its own "death for porn" scandal-- is scared to have the pictoral evidence of these acts released."

@ Simianbrain: "Government will appeal the order to release Abu Ghraib photos and videos, maybe pushing an explosive torture story to the 2006 campaign. Good thinking, guys."

@ The Next Left: "Somehow I didn't think the damaging-to-America's-image argument was going to fly."

@ Right from Left: "Predictably, U.S. District Judge Alvin K. Hellerstein ruled today that the US must release never before seen Abu Ghraib photographs. Way to go, Hellerstein. You've just handed the enemy a big victory."

Yippee for John Roberts!

2005-09-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

John Roberts got confirmed, and, judging by this photo, everyone's REALLY happy about it.

@ Mind of Mog: "Bush couldn’t have picked a more intelligent, level headed choice from what I’ve read and seen of him in the hearings. How will the MSM spin that?"

@ TomFlannery:" Now some guy that nobody really knows a thing about has one of the most important jobs in the country.....and he can hold it until he starts dribbling on himself. Actually, he can hold it after he starts dribbling on himself too." (Good comments on Brit Hume/Tom DeLay interview here, too.)

@ Protein Wisdom: "Among those who voted nay on Roberts are Bayh, Biden, Clinton, Kerry, and Obama—all candidates to pursue higher office, including nearly every ostensible 2008 Democratic Presidential candidate from the Senate (with Joe Lieberman the exception; though, as John Cole points out, he himself has “a better chance of being the ‘08 Democratic nominee than Joe Lieberman")."

@ Packed in Saccharin: "Deeply disappointed."

Is Anybody Else Cold?

2005-09-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

Reconsidering my earlier reservations about watching tennis...

It's My Body and I'll Die If I Want To

2005-09-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

The Supreme Court is going to hear this case trying to get rid of assisted suicide in Oregon.

The Bush administration, always promoting the culture of life except for when they get to kill someone who doesn't really want to die, such as those that get sizzled in the electric chair or those Iraqi civilians caught in the crossfire, is using some loophole or another to test the law's legality.

What's the point here? Why are we attempting to force people to live that don't want to? You get no control over how or whether you come in to the world, and then the government tries to tell you when and how you can leave, too.

Dying of cancer? Ride it out, cowboy. Pain making every day a living hell, your only functionality staring at a TV screen while doped out of your mind on morphine? Life is sacred, pal -- you're staying in this mortal coil until God says so, and not a minute before.

Oh, sure, you could skirt the law and take 50 aspirin or slit your wrists. But what if someone gets to you before you die and hauls you to the hospital to get your stomach pumped or those armed bandaged up, acting the Good Samaritan? Then everyone knows you want to kill yourself and they'll be watching over you all the time, forcing you to keep drawing one raspy breath after another. (If you want to die and have a gun, that's pretty foolproof. But you don't want to leave that for your family to clean up, now do you?)

I thought we were a land of freedom. If we're so free, why aren't we free to die?

Mi Familia

2005-09-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of getting pushed to the back all the time. "Go to the back, Uncle Blunderford. You're tall!" Bullsheets. You're all embarrassed of me! Well, anyway, that's me back there between Rumer and Ashton.